December 30, 2008

Paris Hilton Saves Australian Economy With Mega Shopping Spree

Paris Hilton goes shopping in Melbourne

Hoorah for Paris!

The heiress and lovable airhead has singlehandedly rescued Australia from an economic crisis after spending up big on a shopping spree in Melbourne yesterday.

Financial experts are placing high hopes on Ms Hilton, contemplating just how much the socialite will spend in her remaining days in the country and speculating on the financial return her visit could net.

Paris jetted into Melbourne yesterday morning with her sister Nicky and new bestie Brittany Flickinger for some much needed rest, recuperation, recovery and retail damage.

In addition, Hilton will be making an appearance at the Bongo Virus New Years Eve party in Sydney of which she will reportedly be paid the handsome amount of $100,000. Chicken feed really – Paris probably uses that on her weekly French Manicure bill.

Paris & posse rested briefly at the Como Hotel, pausing for a quick cosmopolitan and a touch up before attacking the posh strip of South Yarra shops with gusto.

Store owners closed their shops to accommodate Ms Hilton & her entourage’s wishes. All the while the media throng and onlookers pasted their faces to the shop windows looking longingly in on the exhibits in the zoo and hoping for a bone to be thrown their way. But the the stick figure was oblivious to their stares and shopped with abandon leaving no stone unturned and store displays in dissaray.

A forty minute shopping bender cost Hilton a cool $5,000 for 30 dresses and put a smile on retailers’ faces. They hadn’t seen that kind of spending since the glory days of the 80’s.

Whilst most of the public have been prudently counting their pennies and cutting back on gifts during the Christmas season, perhaps opting for the packet of ham slices over the leg of ham this year, Paris showed all that the Hilton fortune was rock solid.

Clearly the recent robbery at the Hilton residence in LA only a week or so ago where approximately $2million worth of jewellery was stolen didn’t cause Ms Hilton any concern about the lessening of her fortune and the sadness of that loss propelled her to continue with her retail therapy as a means of healing the pain.

Hilton flies into Sydney today to prepare for her attendance at the Bongo Virus NYE party as well as to allow time to choose which of the thirty dresses gets the opportunity to be worn to the event.

December 27, 2008

Slumdog Millionaire - Truly Divine Providence

Slumdog Millionaire

cocobytes Review
Danny Boyle’s latest movie, “Slumdog Millionaire” is essentially a film about karma.

A spiritual and uplifting story of outrageous colour, devastating poverty and heartfelt performances set against the frenzied, multifaceted & sadistic backdrop of modern day Mumbai, India.


With Slumdog, Boyle has changed direction yet again from previous films such as “Trainspotting,” “The Beach,” and “Sunshine”.

An outstanding Dev Patel as Jamal Malik is a poor street kid (slumdog) who somehow through divine intervention appears as a contestant on the Indian version of game show “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire.” Jamal manages to correctly answer every question thrown at him by the show’s host, (brilliantly played by Anil Kapoor), through his own life experiences until he comes to the final 20 million rupee question. How could a penniless street kid possibly know all the answers?

The show producers are very suspicious and Jamal is dragged away for a torturous questioning session led by police inspector, Bollywood star, Irfan Khan. During the interrogation, we begin to see the pieces of Jamal’s life story and how each of the questions he answers in the show are not studied from a book but are linked to the many traumatic events that have taken place during his deprived life.

His story is of the three musketeers, Jamal, his brother Salim played by Madhur Mittal and Latika, the beautiful Freida Pinto, a girl he meets along his travels and falls in love with. We follow the many harrowing challenges that they face together during their young lives. The story alternates from Jamal’s appearance on the show to flashbacks of his upbringing and watch as the small group grow up and are faced with these confrontations to enable survival.

Visually, “Slumdog Millionaire” is dazzling. The screen is awash with the fluorescent hues of saris, buildings, landscapes and the people. We move rapidly through narrow slums, palaces, skyscrapers, railroad tracks, hi-tech call-centres and the pungent melange that make up present day Mumbai but are always aware of the intense poverty and terrifying brutality that is rampant.

The tight editing and kick ass soundtrack are skillfully executed with pumping drum & bass and Bollywood strings that accentuate the chaos that is Mumbai. But in the end, it’s the heartfelt performances by this mostly unknown cast that will suck you in.

“Slumdog Millionaire” is a movie that makes you aware that sometimes in life divine providence does truly step in to help the underdog.

See it now.

December 26, 2008

Mercury Revs Its Poisonous Head Into Jeremy Piven

Jeremy Piven Signing Autographs After Opening Night of 'Speed-the-Plow' in NY

Entourage star Jeremy Piven suffers from mercury poisoning which is apparently the reason why he abruptly departed the Broadway play “Speed-the-Plow” that he had been appearing in since opening on October 24 at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre in Manhattan.

Piven’s doctor said the man had been eating sushi twice a day for years, which accounted not only for his plump, dewy skin but was also the reason as to why the mercury levels in his body are six times higher than the average human being.

Dr Carlon Colker of the Peak Wellness Center told the New York Post, "He's a voracious sushi eater. I tested him, and he's got a shocking level of almost six times the upper limit of what's allowable."

Mercury poisoning has left the star suffering from acute exhaustion, causing him to make his hasty exit from the show, even though he has consistently and reliably in the past (and no doubt in the future) managed to summon all the energy in the world to party on till the break of dawn with neither an attack of fatigue nor a sushi roll sighted.

Unsurprisingly, many are finding Piven’s mercury poisoning story fishy to say the least, especially after details of backstage clashes and plenty of tomfoolery being reported during production. A number of medical experts interviewed by US media have also spoken of their suspicions on his poisoning claims.

The walk out has left investors in the Broadway show and fellow actors seriously pissed with Piven due to a drop in ticket sales of around $160,000 a week since his departure as well as many unhappy fans who had bought tickets specifically to see Piven in action.

David Mamet, the show's writer was indifferent to Piven's suspected mercury poisoning telling Daily Variety, "So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."

Hilarious.

Oh well let’s face it, doing a show every night was an absolute bore for Piven when there’s all those parties to attend.

Hey Jeremy, there’s over a two hundred different types of sushi out there, maybe you should check them all out. Enjoy

December 24, 2008

Amy Says Goodbye Detox, Hello Caribbean

Amy Winehouse with a top on in St Lucia

Amy Winehouse managed to tiptoe out of her rehab clinic in Britian where she was on a month long detox program for a less painful method of drying out – a holiday in the Caribbean.

Winehouse was able to sneak out of the country with her besties in tow for some well deserved Amy time on St Lucia.

Not a bad idea Amy. Surely some sunshine will help to add a bit of colour to that pasty body of yours and assist in drying out all that caked up cokey shit in your veins.

Winehouse has been pictured taking the island of St Lucia by topless storm prancing around the pearly white sandy beaches and splashing in the water like some sort of skanky wasted seahorse.


Vacationers seemed baffled by the stick insect as she brazenly cavorted past them in all her topless glory. They tried their best to ignore her and not let her ruin what was left of their holiday.

Amy also appeared topless on her hotel balcony getting jiggy with it and shaking her bony ass without a care in the world as to who was privy to her burlesque freakshow. Her hotel room, where she was staying, was in the more sedate part of the hotel where all the oldies were and their peaceful serenity was suddenly broken by the spectacle of the creature swaying around in a daze and singing incoherently to her screechingly loud music.


Winehouse was probably trying to score some decent shit whilst there and maybe by her little dance routine, she found the goods.

Ok it’s not a pretty sight to behold but methinks a hit of pure Vitamin D and a fruit punch minus the rum is going to do the insect a whole lotta good – if she can just stay off the drugs.

December 22, 2008

I Can Still See You Jennifer

Jennifer Aniston leaves John Mayer's apartment in a snowy New Yo

In case you didn’t know, that's Jennifer Aniston under that hoodie and striped scarf coming out of John Mayer’s NY apartment, Friday night. Yeah sorry Jen, had to blow your cover and give it away to the world.

Perhaps if you tried to look more inconspicuous you would have gone a bit more unnoticed instead of coming out all skanky ho tracksuit girl.

We know you don’t want to look like you was gettin jiggy with Mayer and then leaving to go back to your own apartment, but we are all adults here so just get over yourself and figure out which role to play.

Jen clearly must have been reading my blog, because the very next day she re-materialised out of Mayer’s flat in the morning, after a second night of horizontal mambo, but this time she seemed happy to reveal herself to the waiting paparazzi, not cowering under her hoodie, with just her striped scarf as a clue to her identity. She even went so far as to offer a small smile for the cameras as if to say, yes it’s me, yes I’ve been having sexy time with Mayer, yes I have lustrous blonde hair and a tight bod.


The New Jennifer Aniston Doesn't Hide From Paparazzi

Jen’s ramping up all stops to ensure “Marley & Me” is a success when it opens on Christmas Day, so only maximum press overkill will do. And I think she’s figured just how to do that. Walk out of you’re toy boy’s building with head high. Pimp your ass and flaunt your slutiness. You go girl.

To see the full details of Jen's overkill, click here.

Aniston & Mayer Go For The Kill, The Press Overkill

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston leave dinner at La Esquina smiling affectionately at each other and holding hands


Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer being spotted in New York is just so common now, it’s practically an hourly occurrence, especially in the final days leading up to Christmas when Aniston’s movie “Marley & Me” opens.

It’s vital to be spotted at frequent intervals around town and if there is a toy boy with you that can help you sell even more media space, then all the better. Images can then be taken of the couple and splashed worldwide but the essential point here is to be front and center in people’s minds before the movie starts.

Aniston needs this to be a box office hit if she wants to keep working in movie land. Her other attempts have generally been shit, so all bets have been placed on Marley’s furry shoulders. Aniston’s asking a lot with a story about a puppy but hey it’s Christmas, you just never know.

To aid this effort, Aniston & Mayer were seen two nights in a row this week, walking, just walking, to where exactly nobody knew or cared. They didn’t want to use their hire car to take them the five steps required to get from one venue to the next as has previously been the norm because they needed the paparazzi to take a shot or at least fifty so people don’t forget who they are in time for Aniston’s movie release.

They smiled, giggled and looked adoringly into each other’s eyes. Well Aniston looked into Mayer’s eyes and Mayer just looked strange. The whole thing seemed staged as previously they have gone out of their way to avoid being photographed together.

As it was Aniston who was due to gain from the public display of affection, Mayer not wanting to be overshadowed, came up with this pearl to help his girly’s movie.

"I'm happy to report the movie is completely in focus."
"I want everyone to know that," he told the gathered paps.

He then joked that he and Aniston were walking all the way to Harlem. "90 more blocks, guys!" he teased photographers. "90 more blocks!"

Oh, he’s an absolute scream that one.

The paps chuckled at the merriment being shared amongst them and all was well again that snowy night in New York.

December 21, 2008

Nicole Kidman Is Crying Into Her Pillow

I am beautiful, but I am also sad, alright?


Nicole Kidman’s PR machine has let it be known covertly, via the various media channels, that Kidman is extremely wounded by all the criticism that has been thrown at her for her work in recent movie “Australia.”

She would like to know why all the mud that has been slung about hasn’t been aimed at anyone else in the movie. Surely there were others that were really bad too? Why didn’t they also get their asses caned?

Due to this, Kidman has declared to anyone within earshot that she won’t be returning home to Sydney for Christmas with daughter, Sunday Rose, but will remain in privacy at her Nashville home. Yeah, so what’s the problem?

I thought she announced recently that she absolutely adored Nashville and hoped Sunday Rose would acquire a southern accent? OK, Nicole, so start working on that project now.

Did Nicole ever actually hang out in Australia? I only recall her arriving in Australia when she was either a) filming a movie or b) working the red carpet, so not sure what she means by her statement.

Additionally, why is she directing her hurt feelings towards Australia? If memory serves, the more complimentary of reviews of her performance in the movie were from Australian film reviewers, possibly her friends of course, but encouraging none the less. In fact, most of the more damaging assessments have been dished out by both European and US critics, so how was Australia solely responsible?

Alright, so the woman’s hurting inside, and to be fair, I can understand. This unexpected dislike for La Kidman appears to have come with great ferocity and all of a sudden. But in reality, it has been building in the background for a number of years.

In moments like this, Nicole reverts to playing the victim but does she ever think that perhaps, just perhaps, she is somehow responsible? Maybe if she did a little soul searching and worked her way through the all the lies she has previously told, she might find the cause for this monumental backlash that has been directed at her.

She should ask herself questions like; does she somehow cause these bad feelings amongst people? Did she ever know how to act in the first place? Does she ever remember using Botox on her face that she has been using now for many years? C’mon Nicole, be truthful, at least to yourself.

Then again, in the words of Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men,”

“Maybe you can’t handle the truth.”

See Sydney Morning Herald for full story

December 19, 2008

Madonna’s Publicist Gets Her Ass Kicked

Madonna kicking ass on stage

Looks like Madonna’s sycophant PR sidekick, Liz Rosenberg, is in some deep shit with the boss lady.

It appears she spoke her mouth off too early on Monday disclosing the sums of Madonna & Guy Ritchie’s divorce settlement to all and sundry via the Associated Press.

By Wednesday, Madonna and Guy Ritchie had issued a jointly statement saying, "A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week.

"The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children."

Yeah that’s right, it was all the PR chick’s fault and had nothing to do with either Madonna or Guy Ritchie.

Rosenberg was, of course, just following orders instructed by Madonna, who told her to release the statement so the world knew that she, Madonna, wasn’t a skanky miser who hoards all her money but was prepared to throw some small change Ritchie’s way and additionally thwart press reports that Ritchie’s camp had planted stating that he wasn’t interested in her money at all.

But Ritchie was pissed that Madonna didn’t abide to their agreement and had let the world know the exact figures involved. He was determined to look like the victim in the story as had been his angle all along. Madonna was forced to retract the statement this week but only after the world absorbed just exactly how much money she was going to pay him. Probably her plan all along?

Ritchie definitely was interested in Madonna’s money and Madonna definitely didn’t want to share her pennies not to mention art collection with Ritchie so by releasing a subsequent statement, they could both cover their asses.

Ahh....It’s so nice to see an ex-couple uniting in the end.

We get to finally see what the pair had in common in the first place – money.

Now that’s true love.

December 18, 2008

Nicole Kidman, No Longer Baz’s Girl

Baz Luhrmann & Nicole Kidman when they liked each other

Well it looks like the love affair is over.

Baz Luhrmann took the bizarre step of informing the world that he no longer would be able to work with former muse, Nicole Kidman.

Was someone holding a gun to his head?

Who said he had to work with the same actor again and since when is it necessary for a director to explain to the world that he no longer wished to work with the same actor on any upcoming projects? Or in fact explain the mechanics of what he plans to do in the future at all?

You just don’t work with them.

Or is the reason deeper than that?

It would appear that Baz wants to distance himself from Ms Box Office Poison, as most of his film, “Australia’s” criticism seems to be directed squarely at her. Kidman seems to be assisting in bringing about its downfall. Things cannot be good over at the Luhrmann base if he feels the need to publicly denounce her.

His reasons for not working with her in the future seem rather ridiculous.

"So many life-transforming things happen when we work together,” Luhrmann said.
"On Moulin Rouge she was breaking up with Tom Cruise and my father died on the first day of filming," Luhrmann told Britain's Daily Telegraph newspaper.

"Then six weeks before we finished filming “Australia,” we were doing a scene where her character has to say she can't have children and she goes, Bazzy, Bazzy, I've got to see you, and we sit down under a tree and she tells me she's pregnant and she burst into tears and I did, too, because I knew that was what she wanted more than anything else.”

"We both said we can't make another movie together because there are only so many life-transforming events we can go through."

OK so we can take from that that she is a drama queen and causes issues on set but it seems like a ludicrous reason none the less. It’s not like she turned up to film high on drugs or alcohol.

Luhrmann admits that 20th Century Fox, were having problems marketing it to audiences because of its mix of slapstick comedy and intense drama.

"Fox are having trouble selling it," he said. "They're having trouble making a trailer that can sell tickets. I'm scared and fearful of this. Will everyone get it? No. But I've been amazed by the variety of audiences who are intensely emotional in reacting to it."

Clearly his fear is causing him to detach himself from Kidman so he himself can pick up the pieces of his career. Who can blame him?

Nicole can’t be happy about this latest public denouncement by the director no less, after weeks of negative critique being thrown at her since the launch of “Australia.”

There was only one way for her to play it – restate her stand on lessening any upcoming acting work so she can spend more time with Sunday Roast & The Fringe.

Typically, arrogantly, she said "I have to say I'm not that interested in making films any more," she told the newspaper. "I know I'm not meant to say that, but that's where it is for me now.”

"I'm 41 years old and very happy being in Tennessee with my baby and with my husband.”
"I obviously have creative blood in me and it needs to come out in some way but I just don't have that burning desire anymore. I'm not saying I'm never going to work again, but I'm at peace with whatever happens, which is a nice place to be at this stage of my life."

As nobody wants to touch Nicole with a yardstick, I am sure her wishes will be granted.

December 17, 2008

Kate Winslet – One Hot Mamma on the Red Carpet

Kate Winslet & Leonardo DiCaprio at the Revolutionary Road Premiere

All of Hollywood are coming out en masse of late to promote their upcoming movies and ensure they are seen around town enough to elicit any possible inclusion in the Oscar nomination list.

Monday night was no exception bringing out the likes of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio to the Mann Village theatre at Westwood, California to premiere their movie “Revolutionary Road.”

We have to say, Kate is looking pretty damn fine of late. It’s an amazing renovation – coming over all blonde bombshell. Her stylist has also done a spectacular job with her dress, even advising how to stand in every shot. If Kate hasn’t had any work done – it’s astounding.

Kate has been one of the key advocates for growing old gracefully, even going out on a limb to discredit magazines that have photoshoped her looks for previous cover shots, but really there’s no place for that outdated attitude in Hollywood.

Anyone, actually let’s face it, everyone, has had work done, even though they go out on a limb to deny it and proclaim to have the same eyes, lips, noses and chins that god gave them when they arrived into this world.

They all do it. If you go to Hollywood, not one person is over the age of forty, facially speaking.

Leo is also looking hot and methinks by the time he is fifty and discarded his last bit of babyface, he’s going to be on fire.

December 16, 2008

Kylie Minogue Starts New Fashion Trend – Bed Sheets

Kylie Minogue leaving lunch in Bondi, Sydney, Australia

I don’t know, maybe Kylie Minogue was sick of compressing her body into those full on looking corsets and bizarro costumes she wears every night for her KylieX2008 Tour, but she seems to have gone a different way on a lunch outing this week in Sydney.

Kylie Minogue on stage for her KylieX2008 Tour
Letting it all hang out, Kylie was spotted at Icebergs in Bondi, enjoying lunch whilst wearing a frumpy looking bedsheet-dress.

Maybe she just wanted to consume copious amounts of food or perhaps she was just fed up with dressing in tight sexy numbers and needed a chance to breathe. Hard to say.

I can hardly blame her, it’s that time of year to eat, drink and be merry so sheet dressing is really quite essential.

Kylie’s been getting great reviews for her tour which she has brought to Australia, kicking off in Sydney on Monday night. The show will conclude in Australia giving Kylie the opportunity to spend some quality time re-grouping with her family over the silly season and possibly looking into wearing more sheets.

Nicole Kidman Does A Mean Didgeridoo

Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman pulling out all stops on Wetten dass.? German TV

Things are getting pretty damn desperate over at Camp Kidman. Taking any and every last minute pot shot to promote her film “Australia,” Nicole Kidman turned up with Hugh Jackman on German TV show Wetten, dass . . ? and was easily coaxed into playing the didgeridoo, although her frail playing left a lot to be desired.

Hugh Jackman, cajoled along by the merriment, tried posing on one leg as Aboriginal actor David Gulpilil did in the movie, whilst trying to dance to Kidman’s didgeridoo playing. Not an easy task but necessary to salvage a sinking ship named “Australia.”

It appears that Kidman’s inadvertent actions have infuriated Aboriginal groups and caused an uproar amongst tribal elders. Aboriginal folklore deems that women shouldn’t touch a didgeridoo let alone play one as it could result in them becoming infertile. Oh the sheer irony, not even touching that one.

This latest fracas has caused outrage in Australia mainly due to the fact that Kidman seems to have learnt nothing about Aboriginal customs during filming of “Australia” which is odd particularly as there were many Aborigines working within cast and crew as well as the film’s themes covering some Aboriginal issues.

Kidman made a previous gaffe at the New York premiere of “Australia,” when a reporter asked her which tourist attractions she would suggest to travellers whilst visiting Australia, to which she replied “Sorry, my head’s spinning.” Nice. See post here.

This latest round of bad publicity seems to be a recurring theme of late with Kidman not being able to so much as dip her toe into the media stratosphere without criticism being hurled her way.

Guy Ritchie - No Longer A Penny Pinchin’ Geezer

Will you spare some change love?



The financial details of Madonna’s divorce settlement with ex husband Guy Ritchie has now been finalised and broadcast to the world which is apparently what people do these days.

Claims that Guy wasn’t after a penny of Madonna’s money, appear to be false.

Madonna, pissed that Ritchie was coming out the saint in the saga when he previously announced to all and sundry that the missus was only prepared to hand out her spare change, had her publicist, Liz Rozenberg, release a statement to the Associated Press to clear her name and ensure that her loyal subjects were in no doubt as to just who was helping who in the story.

Looks like Madonna will be parting with somewhere in the region of $76 million to $92 million to Ritchie. This amount includes the value of the couple’s country estate in Wiltshire as well as The Punchbowl, the pub in Mayfair both of which Ritchie wanted and will now be able to hang onto.

Combined estimated earnings of the couple sits at approximately $525 million, of which the vast majority belongs to Madonna and Ritchie only helping to top up the communal piggy bank with his measly $35 million.


Rosenberg went on to say “I’d assume it’s one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement.”

Let’s just be clear on that point.

Whilst the financial details of the settlement have been sorted out, the custodial arrangements for their children are still being finalised. As it’s Madonna, this could take another six months to complete so she gets her way and presumably another press release announcement just so we are clear that she is by no means a bad mother.

Either way, looks like Guy is going to be staging one hell of a Xmas party this year.

December 15, 2008

Act Your Age George, Not Your Shoe Size

I’ll say one thing for George Bush, he might be dim, but he sure is quick. Who would have thought?

On a farewell tour to Iraq, Bush was answering questions at an impromptu press conference with the Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki in Baghdad, when he narrowly missed not one but two shoes being hurled at him by a disgruntled Iraqi reporter who called Bush a “dog."

Like Quick Shaw McDraw, Bush ducked, dived and dodged those pesky Iraqis and won the good fight.

The funniest part was afterwards, you could see that the debacle had actually woken George out of his usual dumbass stupor. He had a smirk on his face as if to say you’re going to have to do lot better than that boys. C’mon hit me. Give me your best shot.

He even cracked a sort of semi-joke,

“I’m OK. “It doesn’t bother me. So what if he threw a shoe at me. All I can report is it is a size 10."

Excellent reporting George. Somebody from secret service get those shoes analysed immediately.

Nobody else seemed amused. In fact, in Arab culture to throw your shoes at someone is the ultimate sign of utter disrespect which pretty much sums it all up.

Interesting to note is the speed as to how quickly anyone else seems to react. Check out the footage below.


December 14, 2008

Jennifer, John, Owen, Marley & Me

Jennifer Aniston at Marley & Me premiere in Los Angeles


So this is what all that press was leading up to, you know the Oprah interview, Vogue article, GQ piece etc, that was all for this? Yeah that’s right it’s the premiere of Jennifer Aniston’s movie “Marley & Me,” about a puppy or something.

The way Aniston was everywhere on the press circuit I thought she was launching a new space station. No, no, it’s just a movie about a dog. OK, it is a cute puppy dog but was it necessary for Aniston to do the blanket publicity coverage thing for that?

But then again I guess that’s the measure a girl has to take these days when she has a movie launching the same week as her ex husband. Yes that’s right, the same ex husband by the name of Brad Pitt that said girl was once married to.

And there was every chance that this certain Brad Pitt would bring his partner, a certain Angelina Jolie to his premiere night scheduled on the same week to make it a media spectacle.

He did bring her and she did make it a media spectacle.

Hence the need to keep up with these people if not upstage them entirely.

Aniston came quite close to that at the “Marley & Me Premiere.” She was positively glowing with masses of blonde hair, golden Californian tan and teeny weeny black dress.

And then there was pale faced John Mayer, her new boyfriend. Mayer did his best to keep up with the scrutiny and was clearly enamoured by the all the press attention but he lets the side down. Besides from the fact that they never posed together for the money shot - but that’s only a matter of time.

Keep trying Jen, The Brange is within reach.

December 13, 2008

Tom is Slimmer, Tighter, Firmer Than Ever Before

Tom Cruise out in New York City


Geez, what a difference a few months make.

As recently as June, Tom Cruise was spotted out and about shakin’ those meaty jowls and stacked pounds on that beef cakey frame of his. However, in just a short time, we are witness to a leaner as well as a tighter Tom too and no I don’t just mean his ass. His face is tauter than not only his ex wife, Nicole Kidman’s but even the face he had in “Risky Business.”

Just what the hell is going on? I don’t recognise him.

His Cheshire grin looks more sleazy than cheesy.

Clearly there had been a comprehensive rejuvenation program scheduled into Tom’s diary from June of this year to allow ample time for the modifications to be finalised before promotion of “Valkyrie” his latest movie, started in early December.

The six month course would have included some fat draining, stomach stapling, face tightening, then onto Rodeo Drive for a spot of gay wardrobe shopping and Voila – Hello Gorgeous!

Tom’s no longer the tough jock guy; he’s the new age sensitive guy.

Goodbye “Top Gun.” Hello “Cocktail” and pass that man bag whilst you’re at it.

December 12, 2008

Jennifer Aniston Goes to Nude School to Promote Movie

Jennifer Aniston bares her soul on GQ cover
I really hope this is the last of Jennifer Aniston’s self promotion run of late, it’s getting tiring.

Each week there is a new yet vaguely similar angled story and this week is no exception. We are privy to Aniston’s naked body posing with just a tie around her neck on the cover of the next issue of GQ in a final burst of press overkill.

OK, granted its one hell of a body but where does she go from here? She has exposed herself both vocally and now bodily, so what’s the next place she can take us to. Perhaps try shutting your mouth girl, I hear you cry. Couldn’t agree more.

In the interview she rehashes that old chestnut about Angelina Jolie’s admission of her & Brad’s affair during the making of "Mr & Mrs Smith" saying,

“Well, you know, that was definitely a confirmation for me of something that wasn’t quite confirmed at the time.” “Considering the source, nothing surprises me.”

Byting words indeed but Aniston had just said at the beginning of this week in an interview with USA Today to promote her upcoming movie “Marley & Me,” that she didn’t understand the public’s preoccupation with her private life.

"I think it's ridiculous. There's just this insatiable need. I also haven't had a movie in a long time, so hopefully this is going to create something else to talk about and realize that I have a job, and I'm an actress."

And again,

"I am honestly getting sick of it, and I feel like telling people, "You know what? It's none of your (expletive) business."

Note to Jen (in big letters) – so stop talking about yourself and fanning the flames – perhaps try shutting the (expletive) up.

To read rest of USA Today interview, click here

December 11, 2008

Nicole Kidman Freezes her Assets Off At UK Premiere of Australia

Nicole Kidman at the UK Film Premiere of 'Australia'


Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman continued grinding their worldwide roadshow of “Australia” taking it to the streets and bringing it to the beloved peoples. However the love appears to be tanking fast.

Nicole & Hugh braved the red carpet on a wintery Wednesday night at the Odeon Leicester Square in London. Hugh looking effortlessly dashing continued to uphold his “Sexiest Man Alive” title and Nicole wearing a gleaming white dress which was prim in look but thin in feel clearly revealed her g string and nipples to the gathered onlookers.

Except for her visible assets on show at the premiere, Nicole’s more adventurous and risky dress sense from days gone by seems to have abandoned her altogether. She appears to be favouring a more mature and sensible style of dress these days which only makes her appear well... granny like.

So the face and lip work hasn’t really helped her in the fight to preserve her youthful appearance if she continues to dress like an old lady.

Nicole kept her sound bytes upbeat in the face of the critics’ generally low opinions of the movie.

“I hope people like it and it makes them fall in love with my country," she said. "I hope they realise it's funny and romantic and it's a popcorn movie."

Nicole, we tried desperately to fall in love with the movie as all the posters commanded us to but unfortunately couldn’t get past your face.

December 10, 2008

Angelina's Curious Case of Amusement at the Button Premiere

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button premiere at Mann's Village in Westwood, California

Angelina Jolie decided to change strategy at The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’s Los Angeles premiere on Monday night.

Ambling down the red carpet with partner and “Button” star, Brad Pitt, something seemed terribly funny and I don’t think it was the movie. She laughed at nobody in particular, played hide & seek with other attendees, tried to affectionately ingratiate herself with Brad’s parents and generally looked over the moon about life.

Brad didn’t seem nearly as happy and kept that sexy smouldering look on his face at all times allowing a small smile to creep out every now and then.

This was a big change for Angelina, usually she sexes it up in her moody big lipped way but this was a new side we were witnessing. Could she have been trying hard to promote Brad and her chances at Oscar glory? Or was she just trying to show Brad’s parents she can be all warm and fuzzy?

Not sure we are buying it.

She had this to say about Brad’s performance in the movie:

"I'm very, very proud. Mainly, I have seen every day he went to work just how hard he worked, how hard the director worked, and Cate -- and just how dedicated they were. It's been a big process; it's a very trying film. So, I am just so happy that it came out so beautifully and their work is going to be recognized. . . I cried, it's so beautiful. It's so touching. It's lovely; it's just a wonderful picture."

Ok we get it. It’s a good movie.

The premiere was also attended by a bevy of celebrities including Button’s other star Cate Blanchett wearing some bizarre glittery bell outfit as well as Tilda Swinton, a hot looking Jennifer Lopez, Eva Longoria and Gary Oldman.

Curious to see how “Button” performs award wise.

Jennifer Takes Gushing To A New Level Over John Mayer

Jennifer Aniston in December issue of US Vogue
Jennifer Aniston who has been on the press merry go round promoting her new movie “Marley & Me” has broken her own rule of not discussing her relationships by hurling superlatives to UK Daily Mirror on how “extraordinary” John Mayer is.

Clearly giddy with new love for the 31 year old musician, Aniston gushed embarrassingly over him, raising him to new heights of brilliance and to the level of a demi-god.

"He's a rare one. He is extraordinary and it is wonderful to watch him. The way his brain works and the way he thinks thoughts... it's beautiful," she said.

"It's an amazing thing to watch a musician think. I don't know many musicians but when his guitar is on him it's just like a channel. It's something I've never ever seen before," she added.

Wow deep shit.

The fact the guy can think thoughts is pretty amazing.
I just have thoughts but to actually think them, well....genius, right there.

Jen & John initially got together in April of this year with Jen moving rapidly to obsession within a short time following him like a puppy to Europe whilst he was touring and doing the groupie thing backstage and on the tour bus.

They then broke up in August with Mayer charmingly announcing to the press he had dumped her sorry ass, only to get it back on again in October and by November all was clearly forgiven by Aniston and she was back to where she was originally – falling at Mayer’s feet.

John Mayer’s extraordinary ego must be the size of a house right now.

Let’s hope for her sake that his ego is worth it.

To see the full interview click here

December 9, 2008

Madonna Needs Money After Forking Out Cash To Guy Ritchie

Madonna with wierd face leaving a restaurant in Argentina




Madonna is suing UK tabloid “Mail On Sunday” for £5million for publishing private photos from her 2000 wedding to Guy Ritchie.

A British court has ruled in favour of Madonna but is still deciding the final amount to be paid out to her.


Madonna & Guy Ritchie were married on December 22, 2000 at an extravagant but private ceremony at Skibo castle in the Scottish Highlands. The wedding was attended by stars such as close pals, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting and Stella McCartney.

Security surrounded the event to ensure its secrecy and no pictures were ever publicly sighted until October 19 this year when Madonna & Guy Ritchie happened to announce their divorce. On the same day, The “Mail on Sunday” published a “world excusive” in a double page spread of images from their wedding.

The photos were taken by renowned photographer Jean Baptiste Mondino but allegedly leaked to the “Mail on Sunday” by one of her interior designers who secretly photographed the photos directly from a wedding album at her home.

Madonna is asking for £5 million and any damages received, Madonna isn’t actually going to keep for herself but plans to donate to her charitable foundation that she set up to help Aids orphans in Malawi, where her adopted son David Banda was born.

The “Mail On Sunday” however, feels Madonna’s asking price of £5 million is way too high considering they paid just $5000 for the shots.

The courts will decide shortly and no doubt Madonna will get what she wants.

Understandably in this case.

December 7, 2008

Guy Ritchie Won’t Be Homeless After All

Guy Ritchie leaving the Punchbowl at 1am on Dec 2


Well it looks like Guy Ritchie won’t be left destitute and on the streets now that Madonna & Guy have finalised the particulars of their speedy divorce just one month after announcing their split.

Avoiding the media circus it could have become, the couple have managed to come to an agreement with regards to the finer details so they can move on with their separate lives.

Although Ritchie insisted he didn’t want a penny from Madonna, he will get quite a bit more than that very soon and clearly Madonna wanted the world to know he wasn’t walking away without a cent as recent reports have been insisting.

Madonna won’t be breaking up her estimated £$300 million fortune anytime soon, however, she will have to part with £$32 million in total to Guy of which he will see a cash sum of £12 million.

Ritchie will acquire sole ownership of their estimated £20 million country estate in Wiltshire as well as getting to hang onto his beloved £3 million pub in Punchbowl, Mayfair.

However, in the deal, Madonna has kept their home in Marylebone, London. Ritchie wanted the London home but Madonna wasn’t prepared to give this up or split it in two and therefore had to dish out the £12 million cash payment to recompense him.

The additional monies will help Guy to purchase homes in New York and London to be closer to their sons. Rocco, 8, and adopted son David, 3, who will now have to split their time between New York with Madonna and London with Ritchie.

Lourdes, Madonna’s 12 year old daughter from her relationship with Carlos Leon, will live in New York with Madonna.

An official statement will be released by the couple shortly.

December 5, 2008

Nicole Kidman “Overbonds” with Sunday Rose

By her own admission, Nicole Kidman has declared to the world (whilst her movie, Australia, was sinking fast) that she has "over bonded" with her daughter, Sunday Roast.

I’m finding it hard to comprehend Kidman’s definition of the word “over bonded”. What could she possibly mean by it?

She has constantly left her newborn child to attend premieres for her movie “Australia” around the world and started filming upcoming movie “Nine” in a ludicrously short time, just six weeks after she gave birth to Sunday Roast in early July, so really fail to understand exactly what she means by this term.


Apparently, again by her own declaration, her family are concerned by her obsessive behaviour.

"I'm totally devoted to her," she told UK newspaper The Independent.

"Mum says I'm over-bonded with her, but I don't care."


I wonder if she over bonded with her other two children, Isabella, 15 and Connor, 13, who she adopted with ex-husband Tom Cruise because during the course of her marriage to Cruise she was rarely ever seen photographed with them and now she rarely ever seems to mention them.

Here's Nicole bringing out Sunday Roast as her movie slides further downhill. I guess her "overbonding" with child doesnt extend itself to using a car seat or a seat belt for that matter because that wouldnt bring in the money shot, right?

Yes there is definitely some "over bonding" taking place, but it's not between Nicole Kidman and Sunday Roast, oh no, her over bonding is with the paparazzi.

Nicole has over bonded enough to not nead a seat belt or car seat for Sunday Rose

Cate Blanchett – No Added Preservatives

Cate Blanchett Honored With A Star On The Hollywood Walk Of Fame



God it’s reassuring to see a celebrity who is real. Well as real as you can be when you’re standing on the very unreal Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Here’s Cate Blanchett, finally being honoured with her much overdue Hollywood Star looking chic and classy with her simply elegant forties style outfit of black striped smoking jacked teamed with crisp white pants and Louboutin pumps.

Cate’s style and classic looks are so beautiful and appropriate for someone of 39 years old. I’ve never seen someone try less to impress.

She is one of those rare finds in Hollywood who doesn’t over try, doesn’t pimp her celebrity, doesn’t play the famewhore game. She’s isn’t in the press every second giving bad sound bytes – Nicole Kidman take note. As it is she seems quite shy and a little embarrassed here as if the whole star ceremony is ridiculous, which ofcourse it is.

Cate is one of those consistently good actresses who delivers time after time and has been favoured by Oscar for a few years now. We are hoping that she gets another Oscar nomination for her role in The Curious Case of Benjamin.

Let’s hear it for one of the genuine ones – there’s still a few left.

December 4, 2008

Nicole Kidman Brings Australia And New Boobs to Spain

Nicole Kidman at Australia premiere in Spain

Nicole Kidman continues with her road trip, taking “Australia” to Europe where she and everyone involved are hoping it will sell a few tickets.

At the premiere in Spain, we were privy to the spectacle of Nicole’s boobs, opting as she did, to wear a white bra under a black dress. Does this woman need to constantly court any and every sort of publicity to sell her film?

It’s interesting to note the evolution of Ms Kidman’s body over the last ten or so years. At the “Eyes Wide Shut” premiere in July 1999 for example, Nicole’s face and body were vastly different. To be brutally frank, she didn’t have breasts but was the owner of a rather boyish frame. She also didn't have the set of lips she has today.

Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise with different faces at the Eyes Wide Shut premiere
Then again Tom Cruise looks quite different today to the way he looks in the image above. Actually he looks a lot younger today.

Nicole has been carefully shaping her face and body over the last decade and won’t stop til she gets to her final goal – Dolly Parton.

December 3, 2008

When All PR Options Are Exhausted, Bring Out The Baby

No Keith, I'll hold her

Yeah that’s right, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Things aren’t looking too good for Nicole Kidman. Her movie “Australia” is not delivering in the States, she can’t remember which lie sound byte she used at the last press call, she’s getting a lot of negative press from everywhere including this one so now it’s time.

It’s time to get Sunday Rose out to do her job.

It may seem like an early career start for Sunday Beef Roast, but there’s an economic crisis going down and she needs to pull her weight and earn her salary.

Nicole has seen how brilliantly ex hubby Tom Cruise, has exploited Suri to keep him in the press and soften his cuckoo image and Suri has delivered in spades.

Sunday Rose could do that for Nicole.

But the question needs to be asked, why are they strolling with the kid in her arms when they have a perfectly good driver they could use? Come on, celebrities don’t stroll anywhere. Why isn’t the baby in a stroller, wouldnt that be easier for both parent and child?

It all points to a massive ruse. You decide.

Parting shot – Love the way Keith never gets to hold Sunday Rose. That honour goes strictly to Nicole. Sometimes he is seen tentatively touching a baby toe or a finger – but that’s all he’s allowed. It’s Nicole’s moment, deal with it.

December 2, 2008

Nicole Kidman: A Different Country, A Different Lie

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban at the Australia premiere in Paris


Oh it’s just impossible to keep up with this woman and her ever changing lies and modifications to her life stories.

Nicole Kidman is seen here at the Paris premiere hardselling “Australia” to the French with ever present hubby Keith at her side but now she has altered her story that she originally stated at the Sydney premiere of “Australia”.

In Sydney, Nicole gave the impression that she was pretty much wrapping up her career to focus on Sunday Beef Roast and The Fringe – however that was just a titillating sound byte to give the reporters some sort of angle to write about. Otherwise what did they have?

The public equally breathed a sigh of relief at the good news.

Bu now it appears Nicole needs a new angle to keep her name in the press so her career (which let’s face it she had no intention of giving up because then what would she have) is back on again. She announced the news at a hasty press conference in Paris for “Australia”. Hasty me thinks because she didn’t want to have to field any potential questions about her bad acting reviews in “Australia”.

Nicole also touched her stomach a lot and knocked heads again with Keith to:

a) Start fresh pregnancy rumours and
b) Show she is still intensely in love with Keith even though a head tap is all she can muster.

Joaquin Phoenix – Gangster, Freestyler, Rapper, Disaster

Coming at ya live with the sweet sounds of MC Phoenix

Joaquin Phoenix wasted no time in launching his new career as a musician now that he has formally retired from acting. I didn’t know he was so ghetto, so badass, so down with it.

He appeared at the Funkmosphere in Culver City last week where he turned up decked out in some killa rap threads which were light on the bling but heavy on the tude and that boy worked that microphone till his voice was hoarse. His rhymes were killin and the beats were chillin or some shit.

Well actually, put it this way, as a rapper Joaquin Phoenix makes a good actor. It was just one really long monotone on the mic, his wordy rappinghood style was just annoying like some drunk on a karaoke machine that you just can’t get off.

Joaquin, what happened? Your ass used to be so sweet.

If this is your new chosen career you had better get down and dirty cause at the moment you just got shit coming.

Check out the excruciating video footage here. TMZ


Australia: A Movie As Big As the Opening Title

Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman in Australia

cocobytes Review
Even before “Australia” began playing in the cinema last night, there were so many ads shown prior to it with the tagline “proud sponsors of Australia the movie” that I was in no doubt I was about to see a movie called “Australia”. Is it necessary to pump us with even more “Australia” advertising just before it starts? You’ve already got my ticket money – let’s leave it at that.

“Australia” is definitely a spectacle to behold but then that’s what Baz Luhrmann does best - produces fabulous extravaganzas of epic proportions. He set himself a very bold agenda and on a broad scale he delivers. Luhrmann works with the same mantra as he did on “Moulin Rouge” – big, ambitious and dazzling is better. But is it? It worked to some degree for “Moulin Rouge” but does it work here?

Luhrmann delivers every cliché in the rule book. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but we have seen it all before. Apparently Luhrmann referenced every Australian movie that’s been made as well as a good deal of American movies whilst researching for “Australia” and frankly you can see that whilst you’re watching it.


Scenes from movies previously viewed kept flying through my head – “Pearl Harbour”, “Dirty Harry”, the Dunkirk scene from "Atonement”, “Titanic” etc etc. The settings and styling were so stereotypical, it’s like they borrowed a big reference book of ideas, designs & clothes of that period in history from the library and proceeded to copy them exactly.

Out of the actors, the one true standout is newcomer Brandon Walters who plays half –caste “Nullah”. He is unaffected and natural next to the overhyped performances around him that you feel drawn to his story which is somewhat brief as Luhrmann has a lot to cover before the movie finishes.

The actors are fairly typecast in their various roles and their Australian accents are so over the top Aussie twanged, it’s just silly, if not just a tad condescending to assume everyone speaks like that. Hugh Jackman for one, sprinkles his conversation liberally with the word “Crikey” a little too often.

Other solid performances are given by David Wenham who plays the not so nice Neil Fletcher and David Gulpilil as Nullah’s grandfather King George. Lead actor Hugh Jackman is clichéd but strong if only because he is playing against Ms Kidman.


Which brings us to Nicole.

OK so I have waited till the end to mention her and there is just one word to describe her performance – demented.

Her face is so absurd that it’s impossible to take the woman seriously. I have never seen a person with eyebrows at such right angles. She permanently only has one expression throughout the movie – a sort of psychotic stare that she uses to convey every emotion – rage, happiness, concern, sadness. I was also drawn to her ever changing lips. In some scenes they looked so huge and plumped, it’s like she went into her trailer for a quick injection during lunch breaks.

If you did manage to get past her face to at least take on board her acting skills, well you were wasting your time – that was dreadful too. It’s cringe worthy and over the top where it needn’t be. Nicole just cannot act. Life has made her far too self-conscious to ever be able to deliver a good performance now. She couldn’t really act pre-botox and now not at all. It’s a harsh sentiment but unfortunately true.

In the end “Australia” is watchable but not enough to move you and if you can get past the spectacle of Nicole Kidman’s unlined face against the cracked dry backdrop of the outback, you just might enjoy it.

December 1, 2008

Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet Tour Soured for Australian Fans

Madonna needs money desperately

Madonna has cancelled bringing her “Sticky & Sweet” tour to Australia in 2009 due to the weak Australian dollar upsetting many loyal fans in the process.

The production was costly to stage, resulting in high ticket prices to the public and due to this, Madge was concerned she might not fill an entire stadium. Let’s face it, who the hell is going to fork out up to $400 in these lean money grabbing times to see the Sinewy One. Probably only diehards and there’s no way Madonna would play to a half filled stadium even just for the loyal ones.

C’mon peoples, let’s show a bit of understanding. There’s a global financial crisis going down and Madonna’s been hard hit, alright?

The “Sticky & Sweet” tour has already taken in 28 dates which Madonna launched on August 23rd in Cardiff of which she has only earned a measly $91.5 million in profit and over $207 million in ticket sales. Clearly Madge is on the bread line and even though she allegedly didn’t outlay any money or any of her precious paintings to Guy Ritchie in her recent divorce, that’s really not the point.

She’s a single girl now with three kiddies to support so it’s important for her to count all her pennies and save for a brighter day. Madonna also needs to buy up all the Kabbalah water which can be quite expensive not to mention the up keep costs to preserve her new face.

This is the second time Madonna has cut her tour to Australia. She previously cancelled the “Confessions on A Dance Floor Tour” in 2006 citing the fact she was a great parent and needed to get back to London to get her kids ready for the new school term or some shit. This time it’s the Australian dollar. She’s only brought one tour to Australia which was the “Girly Show” in 1993. Since then there has been a lot of sorry ass excuses.

Australian audiences will have to be satisfied listening to her sticky music instead.