November 23, 2009

Keith Salutes His 45 Year Old Baby Girl

Keith & Nicole strike a pose at the AMAs
In yet another attempt to show the world that they are gloriously in love and their relationship still has legs media wise, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman did their best to act like they really cared for each other. Unfortunately nobody actually cares for them.

Never has the world beamed down two more boring individuals than these two robotic advertisements for plastic surgery gone wrong and a demonstration of acting class 101.

Nicole who it would appear will now go to the opening of a safety pin, due to lack of work commitments, accompanied her heavily pancaked hubbie to the American Music Awards on Sunday night.

Nic practically ran onto the red carpet and dropped to her knees to inhale the shag pile, she had missed it so much. She had been experiencing a red carpet withdrawal since her Oscar win when things started to go downhill.

Kidman was in seventh heaven on the red carpet at the American Music Awards. Keith on the other hand, was concerned if he had performed his poses correctly and wondered if he would be in trouble later. The couple executed their now famous profile to profile move which they have patented and have used on many previous red carpets.

They created the move as Keith’s makeup and three day growth messed up Nicole’s tightly pulled face, so with this move, no actual facial contact was required, just a deep intense stare into each other’s eyes which conveyed a seriously loved up couple to people watching.

Keith took his feelings for his sweetheart further by professing his love for Kidman and not to be forgotten, little Sunday when he picked up the award for Favourite Country Artist award at the show.

On accepting the award he said, "To my wife, I just love you so much, baby girl," "This is for you and Sunday."

Kidman sat in the front row and beamed at her husband because he memorised what they workshopped together beautifully.

Baby girl and pancake face left shortly after satisfied that they had produced yet another brilliant show.

We look forward to the next red carpet event to see the same moves performed yet again.

November 5, 2009

Nicole Kidman: One Red Hot Sexual Poker?

Nicole with a frozen face and arm

Yep. She’s back to her tried and tested old tricks again.

In case you’ve been living under a rock you would know that La Kidman has a new movie out soon, ie “Nine” the all singing, all dancing, all Hollywood hottest ladies starring movie due to be released shortly.

The cast is jam packed with some of the most gorgeous stars around i.e. Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Marion Cotilard, Fergie and Sophia Loren, so what do you do when you want to ensure some of that much needed publicity flies your way and maybe not theirs?

You come up with some bullshit story about being a sexually charged adventuress who chews up men and spits their leftovers into the toilet, or something along those lines.

In an interview with GQ magazine, Kidman revealed she had dark, hot feelings in her loins and her experiences of love ranged from ‘mundane’ marriage (no guesses with whom on that one) to “strange sexual fetish stuff”, (a big sweeping statement and yet no further detail was given).

I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

That will keep the press interested for a time, surely?

The illuminating interview was accompanied by Nicole doing her best robot dominatrix cover shot complete with one alluring yet confusing black chiffon glove and kinky over the knee leather boots.

Unfortunately her face remained frozen solid in a passive Mona Lisa smile. She tried valiantly to arrange her features into something close to a come hither look but it was a no go, it had been immobile since the first injection circa 2000 when Tom departed.

The most alarming note about her sound bytes was that we were supposed to assume that she was somehow doing the “strange, sexual fetish stuff” with none other than the Tan Man, Keith Urban.

Kidman said ‘It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you’re very much out at sea. You're exposed. You could drown.

Oh puleeze…

It is hard for us to visualize that after spending a day of crooning country tunes, Keith liked nothing better than to peel off the checked shirt and cowboy boots at night to transform into the Gimp to satisfy his lady’s fetishes.

He was also a self sufficient type of guy, so he liked to tie himself up to the bed posts and await his woman who would administer twenty of her best lashings to his tanned back whilst wearing a granny nightie and a full face of fright night make up. She liked to imagine it was some of the Hollywood studio bosses who wouldn’t give her work anymore so Keith had to be a saint to take the beatings, but at least her knew his pretty bride would get a good night’s sleep afterward.

Yeah we are totally buying it.