May 28, 2009

Nicole Kidman Purchases A New Wig



Nicole Kidman appears to have gone back to her red hair or at least treated herself to a new red wig.

The white blond snow queen look that La Kidman perfected since she left Tom Cruise made her look like she was at least a thousand years old but was the only colour she could go for which allowed her to cover up all the grey granny hair she had.

Nicole has been searching for a new look since she became mother to Sunday Rose, and loving wife to Keith Urban. She realised that she had been getting some bad press since she was a cold blonde and now needed something that would warm up that icy expression she projects so well.

Nicole ordered a hundred orangutans have their hair shaven off so that a fresh red wig could be made for her head.


Last night, Nicole and Keith were seen in New York after leaving the Broadway play God of Carnage. Nicole had her new red wig soldered to her head along with what appeared to be a swelling belly.

Dressed in a shapeless, bag lady style pink slip, it caused the gathered press to assume at once she was pregnant. Which ofcourse is what Nicole wants you to assume, because Nicole knows it’s important to keep media attention on her at all times. God forbid that we should actually forget about her if the press didnt remind us.

Husband, Keith navigated his wife around the waiting media like the diligent sidekick he is. If anyone needed a makeover overhall, surely it’s Keith? The guy has been carrying around that mop of a highlighted hairstyle for the last twenty years as well as a love of orange skin. The pair couldn’t be more different and yet perhaps they are perfect together.

Get ready to see more of Nicole popping up all over the place as the year progresses, after all she has a movie coming out and it’s important to be seen and not forgotten.

May 25, 2009

Brad Pitt Spews Forth Sickening Declaration of Love For Angie

He's My Man, Not Yours

Ok we’re sickened, literally. Hands down the throat at this latest unnecessary statement by the ever so perfect yet titillating couple, well Brad anyway.

Clearly frightened by the power “She” yields on him, Brad felt the need at every given turn in Cannes to somehow mention Angelina and be thankful for their heavenly relationship and six god spun cherubs.

Speaking at an after-party in Cannes, Pitt said, “I am in love and I have the most beautiful family - what else can a guy want? I am the happiest man ever.”

“My daughter from Africa is beautiful. We’re so lucky to have her and to have children from around the world. They’re all fantastic and we would love another. Who knows, maybe we’ll have one in London, I’d like that.”

A zillion people round the world suddenly felt nauseous.

Yes we know you are apparently totally loved up with each other, we know you are perfectly assembled creatures, we know your brood of angels are glorious and we know you had to absolutely outshine Quentin Tarantino at the premiere of his movie Inglorious Basterds, at Cannes, but really it’s not necessary to shove your faeces down our throats?

Or perhaps Angelina wrote that little love statement for Brad to read out. Because it seemed staged. Why did Brad feel the need to declare his sugary feelings to the outside world? Who the hell are we? Sure we lapped up that crap but it really wasn’t necessary.

We never thought we were on their level anyway, after all we are just humans. They, on the other hand are specimens of perfection. The pressure to maintain the role of god’s most loved and beautiful couple on the planet must be massive.

How long can they sustain it before the next god-like couple hits town?