Renee Says Keep Your Mitts off Bitch, He's Mine

As she slipped her hand confidently into his back pocket she let the world and Jennifer Aniston know just who was calling the shots on this one.

There they were in sexy Spain, Renee Zellweger, 40, Academy Award winner, on a secret tryst with her new toyboy, Bradley Cooper, 34, a man with a perennial Hangover.

Only problem, they were surrounded by a horde of pesky paps. Lightbulb: What better way to let Jen know that he’s Renee’s man than when the images are plastered around the world’s entertainment portals.

Just because a guy in Hollywood is single doesn’t immediately mean Jen gets first dibs at them. Doesn’t also mean they are instantly interested in Jen….clearly.

Yes we know the woman is need we say it … desperate, but hey Jen guess what, he’s just not that into you. There are other ladies out there who are sick of hiring a model for their red carpet event and are clawing their way to find that one hang up free guy, which is virtually impossible in the problem seductive world of Hollywood.

For once Renee’s permanently slit closed eyes opened to ensure they stayed peeled on her man. You never know when Aniston might pop up into Spain looking for Bradley.

On the other side of the world, a freshly golden streaked and newly tanned Aniston completed yet another magazine story revealing her breasts and illuminating the world as to how much she enjoyed being single and hoped to be friends with Brad one day...yawn.

Keep trying Jen, Sean’s coming up for dibs any day now.

Paris Hilton: I'm Not A Slut, I Was Just Acting

Paris Hilton is hurtin. She’s sick of the shit the world is throwing her way. She wants everyone to back off and stop calling her shallow, cheap and other undesirable names.

Apparently the scantily clad Paris you’ve seen dancing on table tops and posted on every celebrity website and blog including this one, is all an act. It’s a brand, a pose that Paris insists must be played so she can bring in the cold hard cash. And y’all fell for it too.

There you were thinking she was just a low ho when in fact calculating Paris has been keeping her eye on the prize. After all the Hilton Hotel chain is looking a bit shabby of late and there’s always the possibility the heiress won’t collect as much as was initially expected when the time comes to hand over that cheque.

Whilst filming her upcoming MTV series, aptly titled, "Paris, Not France", Paris appeared momentarily concerned about her public image. "In a way, (the persona) is good, but I also don’t want people thinking of me as this blond heiress… airhead," she says. "But that is kind of my brand. I make a lot of money by doing that."

The 28-year-old socialite also revealed she was worried about misconceptions placed upon her from her infamous sex tape, adding that people perceive her "thinking I’m a slut and thinking I’m something that I’m not".

Paris went on to explain that the makers of the documentary added in footage from 1 Night In Paris without her knowledge. "I didn’t know the sex tape was going to be in it," she says. "It’s very tough… I can’t believe they kept that part in there. I thought they kept that part out."

Paris’s brow furrowed for a second whilst she mused over the situation. She then yelled toodles, reapplied her lipgloss and ran off in a dream like state to meet her sister, Nicky for a round of much needed retail therapy. It would ease the pain of what she was feeling and she did very much need another Blackberry to go with the other twelve models she had at home.

Paula Abdul, Your Time Ends Now ...

Ok so the slurring and the momentary lapses of sensibility appear to be coming to an end. And it’s a damn shame if that’s the case; she was the best thing on American Idol.

The rest are replaceable, obviously the contestants, especially the other two judges.

In fact, just have a desk with Paula sitting there mumbling incoherently. Now that’s what I call good television.

The callback auditions begin on August 6th but Paula is yet to be offered a contract for the coming season, though Simon Cowell was inked up super fast.

Clearly Paula and her manager, David Sonenberg, are miffed at Paula not being included in the next series.

Speaking to Los Angeles Times, David said,

"Very sadly, it does not appear that she's going to be back on 'Idol."
"I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful," he said of the contract holdup. "I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven't stepped up and said what they want to do."

By the moving speech above, I take it her manager was possibly even more upset than Paula with the news. After all he had to compose the statement, whilst Paula sat dazed and confused in a corner, offering futile advice like she did with the Idol contestants.

David now has to deal with the added pressure of Paula hanging out at his house whilst he does his best trying to find her a new job.

No easy task when your client is stuck in some weird 80’s fashion statement.

Don’t worry David. Maybe American Idol will suddenly remember they need three judges, realise nobody else wants the gig and come crawling back to the nutbag.

Oh Happy Days!

Nicole Kidman Purchases A New Wig

Nicole Kidman appears to have gone back to her red hair or at least treated herself to a new red wig.

The white blond snow queen look that La Kidman perfected since she left Tom Cruise made her look like she was at least a thousand years old but was the only colour she could go for which allowed her to cover up all the grey granny hair she had.

Nicole has been searching for a new look since she became mother to Sunday Rose, and loving wife to Keith Urban. She realised that she had been getting some bad press since she was a cold blonde and now needed something that would warm up that icy expression she projects so well.

Nicole ordered a hundred orangutans have their hair shaven off so that a fresh red wig could be made for her head.

Last night, Nicole and Keith were seen in New York after leaving the Broadway play God of Carnage. Nicole had her new red wig soldered to her head along with what appeared to be a swelling belly.

Dressed in a shapeless, bag lady style pink slip, it caused the gathered press to assume at once she was pregnant. Which ofcourse is what Nicole wants you to assume, because Nicole knows it’s important to keep media attention on her at all times. God forbid that we should actually forget about her if the press didnt remind us.

Husband, Keith navigated his wife around the waiting media like the diligent sidekick he is. If anyone needed a makeover overhall, surely it’s Keith? The guy has been carrying around that mop of a highlighted hairstyle for the last twenty years as well as a love of orange skin. The pair couldn’t be more different and yet perhaps they are perfect together.

Get ready to see more of Nicole popping up all over the place as the year progresses, after all she has a movie coming out and it’s important to be seen and not forgotten.

Brad Pitt Spews Forth Sickening Declaration of Love For Angie

Ok we’re sickened, literally. Hands down the throat at this latest unnecessary statement by the ever so perfect yet titillating couple, well Brad anyway.

Clearly frightened by the power “She” yields on him, Brad felt the need at every given turn in Cannes to somehow mention Angelina and be thankful for their heavenly relationship and six god spun cherubs.

Speaking at an after-party in Cannes, Pitt said, “I am in love and I have the most beautiful family - what else can a guy want? I am the happiest man ever.”

“My daughter from Africa is beautiful. We’re so lucky to have her and to have children from around the world. They’re all fantastic and we would love another. Who knows, maybe we’ll have one in London, I’d like that.”

A zillion people round the world suddenly felt nauseous.

Yes we know you are apparently totally loved up with each other, we know you are perfectly assembled creatures, we know your brood of angels are glorious and we know you had to absolutely outshine Quentin Tarantino at the premiere of his movie Inglorious Basterds, at Cannes, but really it’s not necessary to shove your faeces down our throats?

Or perhaps Angelina wrote that little love statement for Brad to read out. Because it seemed staged. Why did Brad feel the need to declare his sugary feelings to the outside world? Who the hell are we? Sure we lapped up that crap but it really wasn’t necessary.

We never thought we were on their level anyway, after all we are just humans. They, on the other hand are specimens of perfection. The pressure to maintain the role of god’s most loved and beautiful couple on the planet must be massive.

How long can they sustain it before the next god-like couple hits town?

Mel Gibson Asks The Church To Pray For Him

And he’s going to need their prayers too.

After all there’s a $1 billion fortune at stake so parting with half of that to loyal wife of twenty eight years, Robyn Moore, 53, has kept Gibson, also 53, worried with grief and needing of Catholic guidance.

The once religiously pious actor is not having a good run of late. His alleged Russian girlfriend, singer, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant and hearing of this news was the last straw for wife, Robyn who has been putting up with Mel’s philandering ways for many years.

Apparently he has had a string of girlfriends over the years and it seems now all wasn’t blissfully perfect in the Gibson residence with Mel and Robyn, parents to seven children, not living as a couple since 2006.

Mel has now moved Oskana and her 11 year old son to actor, Timothy Dalton, into one of his mansions in California.

Gibson, was romantically linked to the Russian brunette after he was photographed with a bikini-clad woman, known only as "Oksana" on a Costa Rican beach.

These latest revelations come after Gibson surprised a conference of US Catholic bishops earlier this week and asked them to pray for him, saying 'Keep me in your prayers, I'm going through a bad time in my life."

Realising that Gibson’s plight was a grave and more serious concern than any of the world issues the bishops had on their list of causes to pray for, they immediately pledged to help save his soul and naturally keep his fortune intact. Mel felt so sad think his wealth could shortly be halved that he asked for as many prayers as possible.

Prayers aside, Gibson didn’t waste any time hiring a top lawyer as did his wife Robyn, and one thing’s for sure, their upcoming divorce promises to be one grand Hollywood spectacle.

Plastic Phil Spector Manages A Reaction To Verdict

The verdict in the retrial of has been pop producer Phil Spector was finally reached after a five month retrial. And the result? A resounding guilty.

An audible sigh went through the courtroom, possibly happiness or just relief that finally nobody had to look at the demented bird like creature with a frozen paris trout any longer.

Phil looked visibly shocked when the verdict was read, which was alarming in itself as his face hasn’t moved like that for over twenty years.

Nearly two years ago in 2007, at the first trial for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson, it appeared that Spector would walk away a free man as it ended a mistrial. However, this time around, Spector was not so lucky and the jury felt certain that Spector was their man.

Spector’s musical career all but dried up somewhere in the 70’s and since then he has spent his time tormenting women and getting cheap work done to his face.

He once had a successful career as a music producer in the 60’s and became famous as the man behind the “Wall of Sound,” a swirl of melody and percussion that was the underlying foundation of some of the greatest recordings of that time such as the Ronettes “Be My Baby,” and Ike and Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High.”

He went on to produce classic albums such as the Beatles “Let It Be” and John Lennon’s “Imagine,” which makes his utter desperate demise into an ant of a human being all the more horrible.

On May 29, Phil Spector, 68 will be sentenced for being found guilty of second-degree murder. He could potentially spend the rest of his life behind bars.

Spector will clearly have a long time to reflect on his actions to women, whether he has any remorse regarding his behavour is another matter altogether but at least we won’t have to look at his deranged face any longer.

Nicole Kidman Attempts Sexy Back

Nicole Kidman hasn’t got many avenues left to head down these days to get the kind of publicity she used to be able to achieve.

The only option left for her is the red carpet.

The woman gives good red carpet, seriously. She is one of the best there is, she works it well, has Keith trained beautifully on his poses and knows how to get the best money shots. She should be good though, she learnt from the master, Tom Cruise.

She had that shit down pat with Cruise, he nuzzled her neck on queue, they looked moodily into each others eyes and they gave cold yet sexy stares to the awaiting photographers. It was all in a day’s work and that’s why they were the number one couple in their heyday.

Now things have changed and Nic wants to regain the throne with the help of husband, Keith Urban. However, she has a few issues to contend with that so far have stopped her getting there.

One of them is Keith. He just doesn’t have it the same desire that she or even Tom Cruise had. He’s a laid back dude and not publicity hungry and you can tell he is more concerned if he has succeeded in acting out the pose that Nicole told him to do when they were practicing in front of the mirror at home because she could get angry if he gets it wrong.

Secondly, Nicole’s face has changed so dramatically since her glory days with Tom that she looks positively senior citizen; hence she just doesn’t look hip and happening.

Because of this Nicole has had to compromise. Now she doesn’t mind where the red carpet is or what it’s for, who cares, if she spies a red carpet, she is so there.

That’s what she and Keith appeared to be doing at the Country Music Awards last weekend.

Nicole was wearing an ankle length black dress all blinged up to the max which was all covered up at the front, but the reverse of her dress had a wide slash to reveal her toned back. Naturally she was overdressed next to the other attendees who wore Stetsons and jeans.

Nicole ensured that every picture the paps snapped had her back strategically placed for maximum coverage. She orchestrated some additional shots with Keith, where they appeared to laugh at nothing particular, knock heads as they have done in numerous photos previously and looking like they were having the best time together.

The woman will never give up her scheming and try to just be a normal human being. We know she needs to keep getting work (even though she had declared repeatedly to the world she wants to give up Hollywood) but at some point, doesn’t she just want to move on with her life?

Then again it’s probably too late for that kind of behaviour now. She really can’t remember the all the many stories she keeps telling the world, just like the way she can’t remember ever using Botox.

Madonna Is An Army Booted, Camouflage Suited Mum

Are we really all that surprised that Madonna’s adoption case was rejected?

Ok we are surprised. I mean come on, nobody, I mean nobody has dared to turn Madonna down, well at least nobody has before, but Malawi, where Madonna is attempting to adopt her second child, Mercy, from, did just that and left Madonna openmouthed, dumbfounded and momentarily gob smacked as to what to do next.

But really, did she even attempt to follow the guidelines of the adoption process of Malawi? Did she try to ingratiate herself with the locals? Did she come over all motherly and warm and fuzzy? Or did Madge just bamboozle herself into trying to get what she wants and when she wants it because the woman has the patience of an ant so things must move at her god damn super fast pace or get the hell out of her face.

Did she need to walk down the dusty streets of Malawi wearing a combination of laced up army boots, combat pants, ginormous sunnies and Heidi of the alps tied plaits. Just what the hell kind of mother type look was that? She looked like she was either ready for war or ready to start vogueing rather than cuddling her newly acquired daughter. If I was Mercy, I would be petrified too if my mother turned out to be an army sergeant and asked me to drop to my knees and do twenty push ups.

Maybe in New York that look is really common for mothers, but certainly not in the simple streets of Malawi where Madonna, her brood and a hurd of paparazzi stood out glaringly against the backdrop.

This story isn’t over ofcourse. Madonna will never leave anything without a good fight but the Malawi people must be glad at the very least that her fashion sense has left the country and they can rest their eyes on their beautiful landscape once again.

Hello Sailor – John Mayer Gets His Sea Legs Out On Display

John Mayer gets stranger by the day. Gone are the smouldering, brooding singer, guitarist days of yore. Ok he can turn that on if he wants to, but clearly he doesn’t want to anymore.

He thinks he is some sort of super funny comedian now and he is pulling all the stops out to channel this new found supposed talent. It’s not a good look for him and more to the point, he’s really not funny.

Somewhere along the line someone said to him, hey dude, you are like really funny and you know that saying don’t believe the hype? Well you guessed it, he believed that shit.

Here he is on the Mayercraft, a 3 day gay old cruise to Mexico that Mayer hosted for his sycophantic attendees and entertained them with his music, comedy and antics including debuting a song called “Heartbreak Warfare” which left people wondering if it was about Jennifer Aniston, declaring in a comedy sketch that he had got it on with Perez Hilton and alluding to partaking in a bit of gayness on the side in a bid to be witty and risqué as well as showcasing his very long legs in this miniscule naval ensemble.

Ok it has to be said John Mayer is extremely good looking but he is going out of his way to damage his image and alienate his audience by acting like a total fool. The song “Daughters” is never going to be the same for me again when all I can picture is Mayer in those ludicrous shorts.

Ok the whole thing is mildly amusing but it just reeks of arrogant famewhoring.

At least we know one thing for sure, he’s not the next Sasha Baron Cohen.