Jennifer’s Not Bitter At All

In Jennifer Aniston’s article in the upcoming December Vogue magazine she is still discussing Angelina Jolie. Aniston says:

“I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss,"

"That stuff about how she couldn’t wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool.”

Jennifer, listen up. Important Lesson – Don’t show Angelina how much you care, you are just giving her more power and you seem well, just so jealous. Yes we know Angelina was “uncool”, actually I can think of a better word than uncool, but we get the point. I know you want to bring her down, I mean who doesn’t, that woman needs to take a step down from her saintly throne for a while and smell the real world. But you don’t need to be the person trying to break her. I know you want to, I truly feel your pain but you need to move on.

It’s interesting these people that need to keep the discussion alive about their ex’es like Jennifer and Nicole Kidman long after they are divorced.

Is this because they feel they are just not an interesting read unless the discussion includes their A lister ex husbands in some capacity? Is the copy a bit more compelling and readable if their exes are mentioned in some way. Hmm ... could be a point really. Let’s face it, there probably wouldn’t be much copy if it the article was just on them.

Oprah Does Sucky Sucky Big Time To Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman started ramping up the publicity machine in anticipation of the rollout of “Australia” their upcoming movie, by appearing on Oprah today.

Hugh of course was gorgeous and down to earth and absolutely chuffed to have made it onto Oprah for the first time – bless.

Nicole’s head however, was painted with so much makeup, in some angles she looked like the Joker. I couldn’t help staring at her crimson lips which were freshly pumped and a recent addition to her work in progress – her face. Less than a year ago, she had extremely thin cruella lips. No matter – it’s all part of her master plan of self reinvention – she won’t stop until her metamorphosis into a Wildenstein is complete.

The face paint was probably her shield against the evil gaze of the TV cameras. Surely her face alone would have taken her fawning assistants a couple of hours to create instead of the five minutes she declared it takes her to get ready in a previous article – come on give me a break!

At one point in the interview, in an obviously rehearsed and staged moment, Nicole produced a photo of baby Sunday Beef Roast. The photo apparently was taken with Keith’s phone but it appeared to be beautifully developed and god forbid, as if it had been carefully concepted and produced in a photographic studio. In case nobody got the fact it was a picture of her kid, narcissistic Nicole made sure her perky nose job and fish lips peeked out of the shot as well.

Check out the footage here:

Sycophant Oprah was all over Nicole, hurling superlatives about the movie it was truly stomach churning. Oprah probably asked for an extra pack of yummy Tim Tams for that one since Nic & Hugh were giving them out to the audience to bribe them into liking the movie.

Get ready for the Nicole roadshow in the days leading up to the “Australia” premiere. No doubt she will come up with some juicy bullshit sound bytes of her own to keep her in the press as long as possible.

We look forward to the sham.

Kim Cattrall Shoots Mouth Off Too Early

Kim Cattrall breathlessly revealed that a sequel to “Sex and the City” movie, will be going into production next year.

Cattrall, who played Samantha Jones in the HBO series and in the 2008 film, said in an interview on an UK show “Yes, there will be a sequel. We will do the sequel next summer.” Adding that it’s difficult to get everybody together due to their busy schedules.

However, Parker, the movie’s star and producer, raced to make a counter-announcement, dispelling hopes that the follow-up film is already in the works and subsequently, crushing any enthusiasm or excitement Kim Cattrall might have had in breaking the story.

She told Access Hollywood, “I’m thrilled to know Kim is excited but all the deals are not yet done. With ‘the wind on our heels,’ we hope to make it a reality.”

Ouch!

Kim, don’t you know, only SJP is allowed to break any stories regarding Sex & The City, you’re just the slutty sidekick in the show, whereas she is the Executive Producer and it’s in her resume that all announcements must be made by her and only her.

Know your place Kim because SJP certainly seems to.

Madonna & Guy Ritchie Can’t Stand Each Other's Faces

After much media speculation and the couple not looking too happy on the red carpet of late, Madonna and Guy Ritchie have finally announced their split.

A jointly statement emailed to The Associated Press by Madonna’s publicist, Liz Rozenberg, announced that Madonna and filmmaker Guy Ritchie will end their marriage after nearly eight years. The couple asked the media to “maintain respect for their family at this difficult time,”

The financials and custodial arrangements are yet to be agreed to by the couple.

Madonna and film director, Guy Ritchie, were married at Skibo Castle in the Scottish Highlands in December 2000. The couple have two children: Rocco 8, and David Banda, 3, who was adopted from Malawi in 2006. Madonna also has a 12-year-old daughter, Lourdes, from her previous relationship with Carlos Leon.

The couple are reportedly worth approximately $525 million combined, of which the vast majority of that belongs to Madonna and Guy Ritchie bringing in an estimated $35 million. They have homes in London, Los Angeles and New York, as well as a country estate in Wiltshire and a pub in Mayfair.

It’s alleged that though Madonna wanted to delay the announcement of their split till after her global "Sticky and Sweet" tour ended, their fighting got so bad that Ritchie just wanted out, according to the Sun newspaper.

Madonna finally relented and they are both now looking for the divorce to be complete prior to Christmas.

Brad Pitt Tells The World Please Don’t Photograph My Family

Brad Pitt has been talking it up about how he despises the paparazzi and berates them for continually pursuing his family whilst they jet set around the world every second day for either a media event or some world crisis.

That’s why he chose to publish a set of photos that he himself shot of Angelina Jolie, semi nude and breastfeeding on the cover of upcoming November issue of W as well as showcasing his six rainbow children to the world within the pages inside.

Do these people hear the irony in what they say? One minute they want privacy and sanctuary from the world’s prying cameras yet they continue to use the media as a channel for funnelling their incessant need for self gratification when it pleases them.

Granted the shots are beautiful, with that grainy, illicit feel and Brad is no doubt a talented photographer and Angelina certainly has no issues with getting her kit off for the money shots and the children are absolutely gorgeous, but Brad, please understand exactly who is driving the media frenzy here.

Wonky Eye Mariah

What’s wrong with Mariah’s left eye? It looks a little wonky. Or maybe the happy pill just hasn’t worn off yet. Mariah is with new hubby, Nick Cannon at the 2008 Whitney Museum of American Art’s gala and studio party at the Whitney Museum of American Art on 20 October in New York. Her little black dress is surprisingly on the bigger side of little. Usually she prefers something more miniscule.

Mariah likes to start her party routine around 2pm after she awakens at midday from a bed of duck yellow 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. She bathes only in the finest Poland spring water shipped in for that very purpose scented with the buds of a hundred pale yellow roses.

After her bath she massages in luxurious layers of her favourite body lotion, M by Mariah Carey all over her body and slips into her very little black dress which sits demurely just above the crotch line. Finally a happy pill arrives on a silver plate accompanied by a bottle of her favourite Cristal champagne with a champagne flute. Just the ticket to ensure her Cheshire grin stays firmly in place at the party.

Before she leaves, Mariah nibbles on a light snack of donuts, bagels, croissants, waffles, cheese & crackers, tortilla, pasta, sandwiches, hamburgers, French fries, chicken pot pie, fried chicken, roast turkey, pork chops, mashed potato so she can fashionably waste her meal at the event.

I guess on this particular occasion Mariah might have washed down her happy pill with just a little too much Cristal.

Note: Food requirements taken verbatim from Mariah's backstage rider.

Heavenly Brangelina – Let Us Pray

It was really just too much to bear for us mere mortals.

As Brangelina glided down the red carpet at the “Changeling” premiere on the 4th at the Ziegfeld Theatre in New York, our hearts were in our mouths.

There was just too much beauty in the room – we were temporarily blinded by the heat given off by these demi-gods.

Please take your heavenliness elsewhere, we just can’t stand it. Even Clint Eastwood appeared in a trance, stunned by Brangelina’s halo of perfection.

Looking classy and amazingly hot in a black strapless dress, Angelina was streets ahead of every other try-hard in Hollywood with her minimal look and accompanied by beautiful handbag Brad, who sexed it up with his mo and ever so casually slung black scarf.

The sound of cameras clicking every millisecond was deafening and yet Ang remained serene, sacred and god-like above the chaos as we all fell at her feet and fainted upon sighting her after being barred from viewing her image for so long.

Pray for us, please holy lady that somehow one day we will be worthy and you will select us as an orphan to join your brood.

Catherine Zeta Jones Does Chimney Sweeping On The Side

Catherine Zeta Jones was seen at the recent UNA-USA’s Annual Dinner in New York on 1st October, on the arm of her husband, Michael Douglas.

She looked her usual glamorous self, however, on closer inspection, we noticed her face was an overly burnished, bronzed golden colour with a lovely little shine on her piggy nose.

Looking more chimney sweeper than A lister, we weren’t sure if she was modelling the latest trend in makeup artistry or if she was trying to do some major covering up of something on her face – either way it was a rather kooky sight to behold.

Do these people not check their reflection in the mirror or do they only see the image of beauty staring back at them?

Michael better plan to hide once Catherine sees the photos in the press - she's known to have a bad temper!

One Can Opener, One Eye Opener, please

It has to be said, Renee Zellweger has got to be the only celeb in Hollywood that actually needs an eye opening operation.

Whilst everyone else’s eyes are getting larger after their faces are stretched tightly over their brains (that's right Madonna, I'm talking to you), Renee’s eyes seem to be sinking further into her head.

Here she is at the press conference for her movie ‘Appaloosa” at the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival.

If there are any plastic professionals out there who are willing to offer their help to this worthy cause, please get in touch.

Madonna Doesn't Look A Day Over Fifty

Madonna celebrated her 50th birthday with a coming of age party organised by her husband Guy Ritchie with her money, with strict instructions from Her Majesty about the songs to be played, the vegan food to be served, the birthday messages to be read and the people to be invited.

Outside of that he had full carte blanche to do as he wished.

Guy apparently made a speech at the party, which she wrote, declaring his love for Madonna and pledging his loyalty to their marriage.

Dressing in a style appropriate for her age, Madonna rocked up with black crotch skimming boots taking the place of pants, black sheer top revealing her veiny arms and setting the look off with her entire gold chain collection draped around her neck. She was beautifully trashbag.

She appeared upset that some of her friends didn’t turn up, namely Gwinnie and everyone else that she had fallen out with but instead tried to feign delight at turning half a century. She was probably thinking that she only a few hours left before she could go to the gym and work out on her beloved Stairmaster.

Sure enough there she was the next day at 8am going to the gym, with her juice and Evian water in hand.

Yeah must have been some great party that she could get up at the crack of dawn to do those few extra sit ups.