The Killer Inside Me: Movie Review

Michael Winterbottom’s "The Killer Inside Me," is a confronting look at a deranged psychopath in the guise of a public facing sheriff’s deputy.

After his outstanding role in "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" as well as "Gone Baby Gone," Casey Affleck reinforces his position as one of the best young actors in Hollywood with his role in "The Killer Inside Me" as sherrif deputy, Lou Ford

Affleck’s performance is chillingly absorbing, frightening and utterly believable as the unhinged killer.

That said, this movie is difficult to watch at times, and the violence is extremely graphic and unrelenting, presumably intended to get the point across – however that point is somewhat unclear.

Affleck's atrocious attack on Jessica Alba as prostitute, Joyce and Kate Hudson as Lou's girlfriend, Amy, are practically unwatchable.

The backdrop is a Texas town in the 50's and Lou has been requested by the richest man in town to break up the affair of his son and a lowlife prostitute, Joyce, (Alba) that is getting out of control. Lou has been asked to run Joyce out of town, however, instead, the pair become intensely involved.

Lou changes plans and inexplicably, decides to kill Joyce and frame the son into making it look as if they have killed each other.

But Joyce survives and Lou commits more appalling acts to try and cover his trail. As he plummets deeper into his own psychosis, his carelessness leads the police to his doorstep and his number is up.

There are several issues with "The Killer Inside Me."

The plot isn’t easy to grasp with its continued twists and turns. New characters continue to be brought into the film even right towards the end to clarify things but only serve to confuse the story further and both Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson aren’t strong enough to support Affleck; however that isn’t entirely their fault. They are clearly there to play the victims and not much more but unfortunately both lack any sort of screen presence to hold their own.

Affleck alone carries this film. His unflinching performance is an intense look inside the mind of a disturbed man and is in itself the strongest thing about "The Killer Inside Me" but without the support of story and cast it isn't enough to carry this difficult film.

James Cameron going great guns ... with a nail gun

It’s all going really well for the self proclaimed “King of The World.”

James Cameron has just delivered “Avatar” his sci-fi extravaganza to glowing critical and public acclaim and the film itself has earned over $US1 billion in box office receipts so far, which no doubt will surpass that during the duration of its run.

So it comes as some surprise to delve deeper into the psyche of the genius to find out he is an utter nightmare on set with a spoiled brat temper if he doesn’t get his way.

Whilst promoting “Avatar,” lead actor Sam Worthington stated on the Jay Leno Show that Cameron had very high expectations of cast and crew members and would often use a nail gun to nail the film crew’s cell phones to a wall above an exit door as payback for unwanted ringing during production.

Jeezus, a Nail gun!

It’s not safe to be on set whilst this director has a nail gun in his hand and is not afraid to use it.

Today he is nailing mobile phones to a wall coz he’s pissed but what’s he going to do for his next film, nail people’s faces to the camera if they so much as cough on set.

Does this psycho want and need the accolades he’s receiving now for “Avatar?” What sort of freakish ego trip is this going to send him on. Wasn’t it enough that we had to put up with his arrogance when “Titanic” exceeded the $US1 billion mark and he proclaimed himself the “King of the World” at the 1998 Academy Awards?

Star Kate Winslet stated after filming “Titanic” that she would not work for Cameron again unless she earned “a lot of money,” (goes without saying) due to his dictorial manner and flaming temper.

But the director who is in desperate need of Anger Management classes is in denial as to the effect he is having on cast and crew and the fallout he leaves in his wake after he has wrapped filming.

Cameron stated on Jimmy Kimmel Live! that although he doubts anyone would describe him as a mellow person, he is at least mellower than he was before.

A Cameron “mellow” is clearly not the same as a normal human being’s definition of “mellow.” Nuff said.

Delusional as hell for sure but then again karma’s a bitch.

And The Best Actress Oscar Goes to ... J Lo

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Obvious, right? For the highly viewed and critically acclaimed gem “El Cantante”. You seen it yet? Yeah didn’t think so. Guess nobody in the Academy did either.

But J Lo has, hundreds of times to be sure and felt she was shit hot and deserving to pick up that prize.

Once becoming a mommy to twins, Hollywood yawned and moved on leaving Ms Lopez with no choice but to get some serious publicity behind that huge butt of hers.

Delusional as hell, she told Latina Magazine, “I feel like I had that Oscar worthy role in ‘El Cantante’, but I don’t even think the academy members saw it. I feel like it’s their responsibility to do that, to see everything that’s out there, everything that could be great.”

Referring to the 2008 Oscars, she said “ It was funny; when the Oscars were on, I had just given birth on the 22nd, and the Oscars, I think, were a day or two later. I was sitting there with my twins - I couldn’t have been happier - but I was like, ‘How dope would it have been if I would’ve won the Oscar and been here in my hospital bed accepting the award?’ ‘Thank you so much! I just want to thank the academy!’ ”

Yeah seriously dope or dopey.

Can the woman speak so confidently after delivering that movie motza ball, “Gigli,” possibly the worst movie ever made?

Clearly she can.

The ego has definitely landed at the Lopez residence. Her husband Marc Anthony was in the movie too, but unfortunately he didn’t reach the dizzy heights of J Lo’s acting range so nobody mentioned him.

Jennifer from the block does feel she will get the Best Actress Oscar some day, her resolve will make it happen, mark my words.

She said, “Things will happen when they’re supposed to happen. I have the utmost faith and no doubt that it will one day, when and if it’s supposed to. You can’t get all crazy twisted over it.”

And don’t you doubt her. If Nicole can win one for wearing a plastic nose, it’s only a matter of time before J Lo’s stands at that podium to accept her Oscar.

I Honestly Love You But I Love My PR More

Those with triple barrel surnames that no one can spell aren’t to be trusted.

Take Reese Witherspoon & Jake Gyllenhaal.

We were told yesterday morning they had broken up, then by lunchtime love had reared its ugly head and all was forgiven. By nightfall, the PR machine was cranked up and had thrown us a bone, spinning some shit about Reese declining Jake’s incessant marriage proposals and wanting to leave things as they are.

Come on, do we really believe all that baloney?

It’s hard to know with these two, I mean have they honestly even been together or has it just been a PR coup all along? Studying their carefully constructed photos it’s a little hard to tell. They always seem so aware of the camera. With Jake’s chiselled biceps, Reese’s chiselled chin, they are a publicists dream.

Yet for us the public their coupling can be dullsville, so things need to be spiced up to make them sound nothing short of fascinating, especially when there is an agenda at stake ie a film coming out starring one of the lovebirds. In this case Jake Gyllenhaal. His new film “Brothers” is due to be released in the States on 4th December.

And what better way to promote a movie than cause a bit of controversy with your relationship, you break up but hey guess what you make up in time for the premiere where you walk the red carpet looking all loved up. The paps are there waiting to get that money shot because everyone thought you two were breaking the fuck up.

The added promotion helps to remind us who you are again, because hell knows we certainly forgot. We then feel compelled to see the movie, the film does well, the backers get their dosh, the publicist has done his job, you get the picture?

Ofcourse there is another angle, the story of Jake wanting to marry Reese and her turning the proposal down could have been released by Reese’s people. After all maybe the Southern Girl is using a bit of reverse psychology to get her reluctant man down the aisle.

Time will tell which way this story swings.

Keith Salutes His 45 Year Old Baby Girl

In yet another attempt to show the world that they are gloriously in love and their relationship still has legs media wise, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman did their best to act like they really cared for each other. Unfortunately nobody actually cares for them.

Never has the world beamed down two more boring individuals than these two robotic advertisements for plastic surgery gone wrong and a demonstration of acting class 101.

Nicole who it would appear will now go to the opening of a safety pin, due to lack of work commitments, accompanied her heavily pancaked hubbie to the American Music Awards on Sunday night.

Nic practically ran onto the red carpet and dropped to her knees to inhale the shag pile, she had missed it so much. She had been experiencing a red carpet withdrawal since her Oscar win when things started to go downhill.

Kidman was in seventh heaven on the red carpet at the American Music Awards. Keith on the other hand, was concerned if he had performed his poses correctly and wondered if he would be in trouble later. The couple executed their now famous profile to profile move which they have patented and have used on many previous red carpets.

They created the move as Keith’s makeup and three day growth messed up Nicole’s tightly pulled face, so with this move, no actual facial contact was required, just a deep intense stare into each other’s eyes which conveyed a seriously loved up couple to people watching.

Keith took his feelings for his sweetheart further by professing his love for Kidman and not to be forgotten, little Sunday when he picked up the award for Favourite Country Artist award at the show.

On accepting the award he said, "To my wife, I just love you so much, baby girl," "This is for you and Sunday."

Kidman sat in the front row and beamed at her husband because he memorised what they workshopped together beautifully.

Baby girl and pancake face left shortly after satisfied that they had produced yet another brilliant show.

We look forward to the next red carpet event to see the same moves performed yet again.

Nicole Kidman: One Red Hot Sexual Poker?

Yep. She’s back to her tried and tested old tricks again.

In case you’ve been living under a rock you would know that La Kidman has a new movie out soon, ie “Nine” the all singing, all dancing, all Hollywood hottest ladies starring movie due to be released shortly.

The cast is jam packed with some of the most gorgeous stars around i.e. Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Marion Cotilard, Fergie and Sophia Loren, so what do you do when you want to ensure some of that much needed publicity flies your way and maybe not theirs?

You come up with some bullshit story about being a sexually charged adventuress who chews up men and spits their leftovers into the toilet, or something along those lines.

In an interview with GQ magazine, Kidman revealed she had dark, hot feelings in her loins and her experiences of love ranged from ‘mundane’ marriage (no guesses with whom on that one) to “strange sexual fetish stuff”, (a big sweeping statement and yet no further detail was given).

I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

That will keep the press interested for a time, surely?

The illuminating interview was accompanied by Nicole doing her best robot dominatrix cover shot complete with one alluring yet confusing black chiffon glove and kinky over the knee leather boots.

Unfortunately her face remained frozen solid in a passive Mona Lisa smile. She tried valiantly to arrange her features into something close to a come hither look but it was a no go, it had been immobile since the first injection circa 2000 when Tom departed.

The most alarming note about her sound bytes was that we were supposed to assume that she was somehow doing the “strange, sexual fetish stuff” with none other than the Tan Man, Keith Urban.

Kidman said ‘It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you’re very much out at sea. You're exposed. You could drown.

Oh puleeze…

It is hard for us to visualize that after spending a day of crooning country tunes, Keith liked nothing better than to peel off the checked shirt and cowboy boots at night to transform into the Gimp to satisfy his lady’s fetishes.

He was also a self sufficient type of guy, so he liked to tie himself up to the bed posts and await his woman who would administer twenty of her best lashings to his tanned back whilst wearing a granny nightie and a full face of fright night make up. She liked to imagine it was some of the Hollywood studio bosses who wouldn’t give her work anymore so Keith had to be a saint to take the beatings, but at least her knew his pretty bride would get a good night’s sleep afterward.

Yeah we are totally buying it.

Come Daddy Dance with Robbie Williams

Robbie Williams was due to make a triumphant comeback after a three year hiatus away from the pop world on reality show X Factor last night; however, his performance was nothing short of cringe worthy.

Williams took to the stage with a face dripping sweat and deer in the headlights eyeballs flittering around the room whilst working some killer dance moves. Well that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Robbie might have thought his moves were kickass but they were described by one insider as like “watching your dad dance at a wedding”. Ouch!

Dressed in a suit, way too small for him, Robbie performed the first single, “Bodies” from his new album, “Reality Killed The Video Star,” but consistently interrupted his own performance to shake hands with audience members and address the crowd. 'What a pleasure,' he said, as he shook hands with fans and dribbled sweat over their faces and eyes.

Faithful X Factor fans, took to the show’s online message boards to discuss Robbie’s performance. The majority of comments were not favourable with many concerned for Williams’ welfare, intoning that his time in rehab for addiction to prescription drugs seemed to have been useless.

The singer admitted the performance didn’t go too well. But who was to blame for this shoddiness? Not Robbie it would seem but a humble stage door, albeit a jammed stage door, at least that’s Robbie’s story and he’s sticking to it.

Robbie advised he had an amazing pose ready to launch himself on stage with it as “Bodies,” commenced; however, the jammed door threw him off his stride.

Apparently he was left to open the door by himself, and not one person on the entire set of X Factor was lurking around to help him with the task.

Robbie said: “At this point in the rehearsals the music starts… The doors open… BUT LIVE… The music starts… The doors don’t open.

“So we’re a few seconds in and the doors remain closed… a few more seconds and they’re still closed.

“Now I don’t know if you’ve ever had 10 million people plus ready to judge you on your first performance back in three years…

“But let me tell you, if the door between you and them isn’t opening that’s enough to throw you right off your stride.

“I had to wedge it open myself. That wasn’t part of the show.

“That was brute strength and now heavy nerves, shifting something I probably wouldn’t be able to move in the cold light of day. So there’s a bad start. I had a whole pose planned and what not.

“But that went out of the window.”

Ok either a prima donna is in our midst or Occupational Health & Safety needs to get down to the set of X Factor pronto and evaluate this so called, one hundred tonne stage door that a grown man has trouble opening. And while they are at it perhaps question why not one stage hand, roadie, publicity or friends were around to assist with this beast of a door that poor Robbie had to deal with alone.

And if that bad door was enough to shrink Williams’ confidence and produce such a huge river of sweat in his first performance, this early in the piece, god help the longevity of the comeback.

Robbie we are behind you but please pull it together, or at least grow some muscles so you can open the heaviest door, climb the highest mountain and swim the Pacific Ocean to reach your fans and deliver your very best performance, sweat free.

Renee Says Keep Your Mitts off Bitch, He's Mine

As she slipped her hand confidently into his back pocket she let the world and Jennifer Aniston know just who was calling the shots on this one.

There they were in sexy Spain, Renee Zellweger, 40, Academy Award winner, on a secret tryst with her new toyboy, Bradley Cooper, 34, a man with a perennial Hangover.

Only problem, they were surrounded by a horde of pesky paps. Lightbulb: What better way to let Jen know that he’s Renee’s man than when the images are plastered around the world’s entertainment portals.

Just because a guy in Hollywood is single doesn’t immediately mean Jen gets first dibs at them. Doesn’t also mean they are instantly interested in Jen….clearly.

Yes we know the woman is need we say it … desperate, but hey Jen guess what, he’s just not that into you. There are other ladies out there who are sick of hiring a model for their red carpet event and are clawing their way to find that one hang up free guy, which is virtually impossible in the problem seductive world of Hollywood.

For once Renee’s permanently slit closed eyes opened to ensure they stayed peeled on her man. You never know when Aniston might pop up into Spain looking for Bradley.

On the other side of the world, a freshly golden streaked and newly tanned Aniston completed yet another magazine story revealing her breasts and illuminating the world as to how much she enjoyed being single and hoped to be friends with Brad one day...yawn.

Keep trying Jen, Sean’s coming up for dibs any day now.

Paris Hilton: I'm Not A Slut, I Was Just Acting

Paris Hilton is hurtin. She’s sick of the shit the world is throwing her way. She wants everyone to back off and stop calling her shallow, cheap and other undesirable names.

Apparently the scantily clad Paris you’ve seen dancing on table tops and posted on every celebrity website and blog including this one, is all an act. It’s a brand, a pose that Paris insists must be played so she can bring in the cold hard cash. And y’all fell for it too.

There you were thinking she was just a low ho when in fact calculating Paris has been keeping her eye on the prize. After all the Hilton Hotel chain is looking a bit shabby of late and there’s always the possibility the heiress won’t collect as much as was initially expected when the time comes to hand over that cheque.

Whilst filming her upcoming MTV series, aptly titled, "Paris, Not France", Paris appeared momentarily concerned about her public image. "In a way, (the persona) is good, but I also don’t want people thinking of me as this blond heiress… airhead," she says. "But that is kind of my brand. I make a lot of money by doing that."

The 28-year-old socialite also revealed she was worried about misconceptions placed upon her from her infamous sex tape, adding that people perceive her "thinking I’m a slut and thinking I’m something that I’m not".

Paris went on to explain that the makers of the documentary added in footage from 1 Night In Paris without her knowledge. "I didn’t know the sex tape was going to be in it," she says. "It’s very tough… I can’t believe they kept that part in there. I thought they kept that part out."

Paris’s brow furrowed for a second whilst she mused over the situation. She then yelled toodles, reapplied her lipgloss and ran off in a dream like state to meet her sister, Nicky for a round of much needed retail therapy. It would ease the pain of what she was feeling and she did very much need another Blackberry to go with the other twelve models she had at home.

Paula Abdul, Your Time Ends Now ...

Ok so the slurring and the momentary lapses of sensibility appear to be coming to an end. And it’s a damn shame if that’s the case; she was the best thing on American Idol.

The rest are replaceable, obviously the contestants, especially the other two judges.

In fact, just have a desk with Paula sitting there mumbling incoherently. Now that’s what I call good television.

The callback auditions begin on August 6th but Paula is yet to be offered a contract for the coming season, though Simon Cowell was inked up super fast.

Clearly Paula and her manager, David Sonenberg, are miffed at Paula not being included in the next series.

Speaking to Los Angeles Times, David said,

"Very sadly, it does not appear that she's going to be back on 'Idol."
"I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful," he said of the contract holdup. "I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven't stepped up and said what they want to do."

By the moving speech above, I take it her manager was possibly even more upset than Paula with the news. After all he had to compose the statement, whilst Paula sat dazed and confused in a corner, offering futile advice like she did with the Idol contestants.

David now has to deal with the added pressure of Paula hanging out at his house whilst he does his best trying to find her a new job.

No easy task when your client is stuck in some weird 80’s fashion statement.

Don’t worry David. Maybe American Idol will suddenly remember they need three judges, realise nobody else wants the gig and come crawling back to the nutbag.

Oh Happy Days!

Nicole Kidman Purchases A New Wig

Nicole Kidman appears to have gone back to her red hair or at least treated herself to a new red wig.

The white blond snow queen look that La Kidman perfected since she left Tom Cruise made her look like she was at least a thousand years old but was the only colour she could go for which allowed her to cover up all the grey granny hair she had.

Nicole has been searching for a new look since she became mother to Sunday Rose, and loving wife to Keith Urban. She realised that she had been getting some bad press since she was a cold blonde and now needed something that would warm up that icy expression she projects so well.

Nicole ordered a hundred orangutans have their hair shaven off so that a fresh red wig could be made for her head.

Last night, Nicole and Keith were seen in New York after leaving the Broadway play God of Carnage. Nicole had her new red wig soldered to her head along with what appeared to be a swelling belly.

Dressed in a shapeless, bag lady style pink slip, it caused the gathered press to assume at once she was pregnant. Which ofcourse is what Nicole wants you to assume, because Nicole knows it’s important to keep media attention on her at all times. God forbid that we should actually forget about her if the press didnt remind us.

Husband, Keith navigated his wife around the waiting media like the diligent sidekick he is. If anyone needed a makeover overhall, surely it’s Keith? The guy has been carrying around that mop of a highlighted hairstyle for the last twenty years as well as a love of orange skin. The pair couldn’t be more different and yet perhaps they are perfect together.

Get ready to see more of Nicole popping up all over the place as the year progresses, after all she has a movie coming out and it’s important to be seen and not forgotten.

Brad Pitt Spews Forth Sickening Declaration of Love For Angie

Ok we’re sickened, literally. Hands down the throat at this latest unnecessary statement by the ever so perfect yet titillating couple, well Brad anyway.

Clearly frightened by the power “She” yields on him, Brad felt the need at every given turn in Cannes to somehow mention Angelina and be thankful for their heavenly relationship and six god spun cherubs.

Speaking at an after-party in Cannes, Pitt said, “I am in love and I have the most beautiful family - what else can a guy want? I am the happiest man ever.”

“My daughter from Africa is beautiful. We’re so lucky to have her and to have children from around the world. They’re all fantastic and we would love another. Who knows, maybe we’ll have one in London, I’d like that.”

A zillion people round the world suddenly felt nauseous.

Yes we know you are apparently totally loved up with each other, we know you are perfectly assembled creatures, we know your brood of angels are glorious and we know you had to absolutely outshine Quentin Tarantino at the premiere of his movie Inglorious Basterds, at Cannes, but really it’s not necessary to shove your faeces down our throats?

Or perhaps Angelina wrote that little love statement for Brad to read out. Because it seemed staged. Why did Brad feel the need to declare his sugary feelings to the outside world? Who the hell are we? Sure we lapped up that crap but it really wasn’t necessary.

We never thought we were on their level anyway, after all we are just humans. They, on the other hand are specimens of perfection. The pressure to maintain the role of god’s most loved and beautiful couple on the planet must be massive.

How long can they sustain it before the next god-like couple hits town?

Mel Gibson Asks The Church To Pray For Him

And he’s going to need their prayers too.

After all there’s a $1 billion fortune at stake so parting with half of that to loyal wife of twenty eight years, Robyn Moore, 53, has kept Gibson, also 53, worried with grief and needing of Catholic guidance.

The once religiously pious actor is not having a good run of late. His alleged Russian girlfriend, singer, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant and hearing of this news was the last straw for wife, Robyn who has been putting up with Mel’s philandering ways for many years.

Apparently he has had a string of girlfriends over the years and it seems now all wasn’t blissfully perfect in the Gibson residence with Mel and Robyn, parents to seven children, not living as a couple since 2006.

Mel has now moved Oskana and her 11 year old son to actor, Timothy Dalton, into one of his mansions in California.

Gibson, was romantically linked to the Russian brunette after he was photographed with a bikini-clad woman, known only as "Oksana" on a Costa Rican beach.

These latest revelations come after Gibson surprised a conference of US Catholic bishops earlier this week and asked them to pray for him, saying 'Keep me in your prayers, I'm going through a bad time in my life."

Realising that Gibson’s plight was a grave and more serious concern than any of the world issues the bishops had on their list of causes to pray for, they immediately pledged to help save his soul and naturally keep his fortune intact. Mel felt so sad think his wealth could shortly be halved that he asked for as many prayers as possible.

Prayers aside, Gibson didn’t waste any time hiring a top lawyer as did his wife Robyn, and one thing’s for sure, their upcoming divorce promises to be one grand Hollywood spectacle.

Plastic Phil Spector Manages A Reaction To Verdict

The verdict in the retrial of has been pop producer Phil Spector was finally reached after a five month retrial. And the result? A resounding guilty.

An audible sigh went through the courtroom, possibly happiness or just relief that finally nobody had to look at the demented bird like creature with a frozen paris trout any longer.

Phil looked visibly shocked when the verdict was read, which was alarming in itself as his face hasn’t moved like that for over twenty years.

Nearly two years ago in 2007, at the first trial for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson, it appeared that Spector would walk away a free man as it ended a mistrial. However, this time around, Spector was not so lucky and the jury felt certain that Spector was their man.

Spector’s musical career all but dried up somewhere in the 70’s and since then he has spent his time tormenting women and getting cheap work done to his face.

He once had a successful career as a music producer in the 60’s and became famous as the man behind the “Wall of Sound,” a swirl of melody and percussion that was the underlying foundation of some of the greatest recordings of that time such as the Ronettes “Be My Baby,” and Ike and Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High.”

He went on to produce classic albums such as the Beatles “Let It Be” and John Lennon’s “Imagine,” which makes his utter desperate demise into an ant of a human being all the more horrible.

On May 29, Phil Spector, 68 will be sentenced for being found guilty of second-degree murder. He could potentially spend the rest of his life behind bars.

Spector will clearly have a long time to reflect on his actions to women, whether he has any remorse regarding his behavour is another matter altogether but at least we won’t have to look at his deranged face any longer.

Nicole Kidman Attempts Sexy Back

Nicole Kidman hasn’t got many avenues left to head down these days to get the kind of publicity she used to be able to achieve.

The only option left for her is the red carpet.

The woman gives good red carpet, seriously. She is one of the best there is, she works it well, has Keith trained beautifully on his poses and knows how to get the best money shots. She should be good though, she learnt from the master, Tom Cruise.

She had that shit down pat with Cruise, he nuzzled her neck on queue, they looked moodily into each others eyes and they gave cold yet sexy stares to the awaiting photographers. It was all in a day’s work and that’s why they were the number one couple in their heyday.

Now things have changed and Nic wants to regain the throne with the help of husband, Keith Urban. However, she has a few issues to contend with that so far have stopped her getting there.

One of them is Keith. He just doesn’t have it the same desire that she or even Tom Cruise had. He’s a laid back dude and not publicity hungry and you can tell he is more concerned if he has succeeded in acting out the pose that Nicole told him to do when they were practicing in front of the mirror at home because she could get angry if he gets it wrong.

Secondly, Nicole’s face has changed so dramatically since her glory days with Tom that she looks positively senior citizen; hence she just doesn’t look hip and happening.

Because of this Nicole has had to compromise. Now she doesn’t mind where the red carpet is or what it’s for, who cares, if she spies a red carpet, she is so there.

That’s what she and Keith appeared to be doing at the Country Music Awards last weekend.

Nicole was wearing an ankle length black dress all blinged up to the max which was all covered up at the front, but the reverse of her dress had a wide slash to reveal her toned back. Naturally she was overdressed next to the other attendees who wore Stetsons and jeans.

Nicole ensured that every picture the paps snapped had her back strategically placed for maximum coverage. She orchestrated some additional shots with Keith, where they appeared to laugh at nothing particular, knock heads as they have done in numerous photos previously and looking like they were having the best time together.

The woman will never give up her scheming and try to just be a normal human being. We know she needs to keep getting work (even though she had declared repeatedly to the world she wants to give up Hollywood) but at some point, doesn’t she just want to move on with her life?

Then again it’s probably too late for that kind of behaviour now. She really can’t remember the all the many stories she keeps telling the world, just like the way she can’t remember ever using Botox.

Madonna Is An Army Booted, Camouflage Suited Mum

Are we really all that surprised that Madonna’s adoption case was rejected?

Ok we are surprised. I mean come on, nobody, I mean nobody has dared to turn Madonna down, well at least nobody has before, but Malawi, where Madonna is attempting to adopt her second child, Mercy, from, did just that and left Madonna openmouthed, dumbfounded and momentarily gob smacked as to what to do next.

But really, did she even attempt to follow the guidelines of the adoption process of Malawi? Did she try to ingratiate herself with the locals? Did she come over all motherly and warm and fuzzy? Or did Madge just bamboozle herself into trying to get what she wants and when she wants it because the woman has the patience of an ant so things must move at her god damn super fast pace or get the hell out of her face.

Did she need to walk down the dusty streets of Malawi wearing a combination of laced up army boots, combat pants, ginormous sunnies and Heidi of the alps tied plaits. Just what the hell kind of mother type look was that? She looked like she was either ready for war or ready to start vogueing rather than cuddling her newly acquired daughter. If I was Mercy, I would be petrified too if my mother turned out to be an army sergeant and asked me to drop to my knees and do twenty push ups.

Maybe in New York that look is really common for mothers, but certainly not in the simple streets of Malawi where Madonna, her brood and a hurd of paparazzi stood out glaringly against the backdrop.

This story isn’t over ofcourse. Madonna will never leave anything without a good fight but the Malawi people must be glad at the very least that her fashion sense has left the country and they can rest their eyes on their beautiful landscape once again.

Hello Sailor – John Mayer Gets His Sea Legs Out On Display

John Mayer gets stranger by the day. Gone are the smouldering, brooding singer, guitarist days of yore. Ok he can turn that on if he wants to, but clearly he doesn’t want to anymore.

He thinks he is some sort of super funny comedian now and he is pulling all the stops out to channel this new found supposed talent. It’s not a good look for him and more to the point, he’s really not funny.

Somewhere along the line someone said to him, hey dude, you are like really funny and you know that saying don’t believe the hype? Well you guessed it, he believed that shit.

Here he is on the Mayercraft, a 3 day gay old cruise to Mexico that Mayer hosted for his sycophantic attendees and entertained them with his music, comedy and antics including debuting a song called “Heartbreak Warfare” which left people wondering if it was about Jennifer Aniston, declaring in a comedy sketch that he had got it on with Perez Hilton and alluding to partaking in a bit of gayness on the side in a bid to be witty and risqué as well as showcasing his very long legs in this miniscule naval ensemble.

Ok it has to be said John Mayer is extremely good looking but he is going out of his way to damage his image and alienate his audience by acting like a total fool. The song “Daughters” is never going to be the same for me again when all I can picture is Mayer in those ludicrous shorts.

Ok the whole thing is mildly amusing but it just reeks of arrogant famewhoring.

At least we know one thing for sure, he’s not the next Sasha Baron Cohen.

Kylie Minogue Spends Forty Dollars on Clothes Budget

Times are lean for all of us at the moment. There is a global economic crisis going down and we are all affected for many years to come.

OK well us normal folk are affected, I don’t mean celebrities. Let’s face it, celebrities live above and beyond the poverty line and probably don’t even know that the world is in bad shape financially speaking or perhaps they watch the news from their Bel Air homes safe in the knowledge that their fortunes are rock solid.

Well at least we thought that was the story until one celebrity, Ms Kylie Minogue was seen shopping up big at charity store, Salvation Army in Melbourne, Australia.

The usually label conscious fashion diva, who only last year pocketed 2 million pounds for 2 short performances in Dubai, must have already blown all her cash as she had come down to her last $40 and decided to spend it at the Salvation Army store on two dresses, a hat and a skirt.

The store manager of Salvation Army said the star tried her best to hide from the media but her massive shades gave her away.

Minogue seems to favour shopping on the cheap. She was previously seen shopping at Vinnies, another charity store in Sydney only a few years ago.

So what did she do with the 2 million pounds we wonder that she needs to shop cheaply or is she just a good old fashioned scab? We think maybe just a scab.

Honestly, celebrities are doing nothing to help stimulate the economy. They are the only ones left with the big bucks now that CEO’s who try to sneak off with massive retirement packages are being halted.

Perhaps celebrities have realized attention is turning towards them and their big money as they are taking to hiding it under their mattress and living a hand to mouth existence.

Kylie is clearly starting with her financial plan now and storing her cash in a safe place because one day someone from the tax department might knock on her door and say give us your money, to which Kylie’s response will be,

“You’ll have to find it first.”

Nicole Kidman: Actress Seeking Work, Will Do Anything

Nicole Kidman is pulling out all the stops to ensure she stays employed and is able to continue to maintain the luxurious lifestyle she is used to leading. After all, the woman does have a private plane to maintain.

Even though in recent months, Ms Kidman made strong declarations that she was planning to quit acting altogether and start a farm, do some gardening or cook a lamb roast for Keith and Sunday Rose or something along those comforting lines, it would appear that was just some spin to cover the fact in case she didn’t get any work.

We have seen her of recent times walking around Nashville looking forlorn, sometimes with kid in hand, sometimes with Keith but really just managing to get herself in everyone’s way and not having the slightest clue what to do in suburbia.

La Kidman is clearly not comfortable unless she is on set surrounded by the best in the business and dressed to the nines on a film carrying a $5 million dollar wardrobe budget.

But times have changed and even Hollywood is effected by the financial crisis, so what is a once A lister supposed to do? Well nobody said Nicole wasn’t resourceful. She is doing what other actors do when they don’t get film work, film a commercial overseas with a massive budget and just hope like hell that nobody in Hollywood finds out.

That’s what Nicole has done, here she is in India this week filming a commercial for a well known soft drink company and completely selling her ass out in the process.

Only recently Sean Penn made a rather not so oblique reference to Kidman saying in a roundabout way that an actor he worked with stopped shooting so that they could film their Chanel commercial. See Sean Penn story here.

But times are lean and Nicole is pimping her ass all over town to grab anything she can get her mitts on to keep the dosh rolling in.

In addition she has just signed on as part of an ensemble cast for an as yet untitled upcoming Woody Allen film.

Oh thank goodness, Sunday will be able to get her dinner now after all.

Judgement Day for Jeremy Piven

The day of reckoning will soon be upon Jeremy Piven so he may not be smiling so radiantly.

Whether he was or wasn’t faking the allegedly high levels of mercury poisoning that existed in his system and was the reason as to why he dropped out of the stage production of the Broadway production of “Speed The Plow,” he will now have the chance to prove his claims.

Piven left the production in December citing at the time that he had a massive amount of mercury in his system, in fact six times more than the average human which he blamed on the humble sushi roll that he had apparently been eating since birth and which he held fully responsible for causing the high mercury in his body.

Due to the mercury poisoning he was lackluster, tired and listless and consequently had to leave the show immediately. Amazingly, though he gathered all his strength to attend whatever industry party was to be held during his run of the production, including Britney Spears’ 27th birthday party.

The producers of the show were understandably pissed and after talks failed at a grievance hearing held last month, the show producers and Piven’s people are now heading into arbitration to settle the dispute over his untimely departure from the production.

Both sides will have to meet with a mediator and Piven will need to prove his mercury poisoning both during his rather short run in the play as well as prior to this. The producers have stated that they have "requested a wide range of relevant information from Mr Piven relating to his claims that an alleged illness required him to leave the show".

Piven's spokeswoman Samantha Mast said: "The fact that the producers issued a statement announcing the arbitration dates suggests that this is part of a punitive strategy to intimidate actors so that they ignore serious health symptoms."

She added that fear of being sued would make it more difficult for performers to leave productions due to medical reasons.

Note to spokeswoman, Samantha, you are missing the point, the reason to take the job in the first place is not to think about how you could get out of it.

If an actor has a medical condition that may stop the run of an expensive stage production, then tell the producers that in the first instance and perhaps don’t audition for the part. There are plenty of actors that are more than willing to complete the run of the production solely for this reason – because they want to act.

It’s also called being professional – heard of it Jeremy?