The Spin Doctors Worked Over Time And Came Up With This For Nicole

In the midst of promoting “Australia”, Nicole Kidman graciously found time to drop in at the UN yesterday to speak at a press conference to announce the results of UNIFEM’s Say No to Violence against Women campaign. OK she is a UNIFEM Goodwill Ambassador, but her timing is impeccable.

Good work spin team! That should compensate nicely for Nicole’s train wreck interview on the David Letterman show and her preoccupied appearance at the “Australia” premiere on Monday night.

To firm up the caring, sharing Nicole image she is trying to portray, Nic wore her best peter pan collar dress complete with sensible shoes.

Is it a coincidence that Nicole shows up at the UN at the same time as the launch of the “Australia” movie in New York? It can only help. It’s pretty easy for her PR to call the organisers and let them know what dates work best for her schedule.

It’s hard not to be cynical, but come on give me a break!

Damage Control Required Urgently

Ah... it all makes sense. Now we know why Nicole Kidman appeared jittery and a little distracted at the “Australia” premiere in New York last night. Earlier that day she had taped her interview on the David Letterman Show to promote “Australia”. Things didn’t turn out so well.

It was an awkward mess. Nicole was one giggling creature, who seemed ill equipped and unprofessional in answering David Letterman’s questions. Letterman seemed fixated on asking questions about Keith Urban and his birth country of New Zealand.

One question about her hubby was fine, but when he went on and on about Keith, well clearly it was enough to get a girl worried if there was going to be enough time left in the interview to discuss her.

This prompted Nic to say to Letterman at one point “Why are you so obsessed with him?” and “Can we please talk about the film”. After all she had got to the end of the sales brochure about Keith in her head and couldn't think of any further anecdotes about him. She urgently needed to move onto safer conversation territory i.e. herself.

Nic tried valiantly to steer David Letterman to discuss the movie, but he changed directions again and moved swiftly onto talking about her face, seemingly making a sly reference to her Botox by saying “Your face is radiant, gorgeous, perfect symmetry” and “That’s a face you want right there” which clearly made Nicole uncomfortable.

She was probably wondering if he was going to ask her about her alleged Botox to which she would have to lie directly on national TV. Sadly David didn’t go there. Shame. Nic also seemed to stumble when asked to introduce a clip from the movie “Australia”.

I’m not sure if Nicole tries to come across as all warm & fuzzy to detract from her ambition and her plastic face, but she doesn’t enjoy the kind of smart, sharp interviewing that David Letterman excels at. Her preference is the kiss ass technique that Oprah uses on her guests but Nicole has to do the rounds if she wants “Australia” to do well and believe me, she needs it to do well.

As soon as the interview ended she was probably dialling PR, telling them to get their asses brainstorming. They were going to have to crank up the spin to cover up for her muddled appearance.

They’re going to need one hell of a good story to smooth this one over.

Some Plastic, A Sprinkle of Glitter, A Male Handbag And I’m Good To Go

Here’s Nicole Kidman & her fringed “handbag” at the "Australia" premiere in New York last night and I think it’s fair to say, Nic has finally lost the plot.

Firstly, let’s talk about the dress. I think she may have raided her nanna’s wardrobe with this glittery gold number. It’s so circa 1920’s and her senior citizen up-do just won’t do.

Nicole, what is with your fixation with looking so proper, genteel and nice? You look positively antique, You’re hardly genteel, and nice? Well, I think we know the answer to that one.

Nic & Keith continued knocking heads together as an expression of their intimacy whilst inexplicably she practically tongue kissed Hugh Jackman, whom she seems much more cosy with.

I also love how Nic has been seen of late sporting kitten heels. Keith must have been feeling insecure about his height standing next to her statuesque proportions so she has tried to lower herself whilst he has started to sport boots with Cuban stock heels to compensate. If Nicole is willing to do that for Keith, she really must love him like she loved Tom!

Nic seemed distracted and skittish all night. Nervous perhaps of either the cameras zooming in on her plastic fantastic or of the questions reporters were going to ask her – hard to say.

She was surrounded by her friends including Naomi Watts, there to prop up her fragile ego but was it working?

At one point, a reporter asked her what tourist attractions she would suggest to travellers to see when they were visiting Australia. This seemed to totally throw her after all she’s only used to talking about herself. She replied, “Sorry, my head’s spinning” and then proceeded to walk off leaving the reporter totally baffled. I suppose it was an outrageous question.

Still, not a good look for Nicole.

OK, Nic is probably weary because there’s been some shocking reviews specifically targeting Nicole’s acting skills but she is going to have to put on a brave (plastic) face if she wants to take the “Australia” roadshow to the world. Perhaps try acting.

Madonna's Getting Laid

Here's Madonna attending the GUCCI Unicef Dinner at the Plaza in New York and I have to say she looks stunning, well her face does anyway.

OK she doesn’t actually look like Madonna at all, more like Veronica Lake or one of those old 1940’s movie stars, but stunning none the less. Her Extreme Makeover is at its loveliest stage now. She has defined cheekbones which she never had before, her fillers are all in the right places, her wrinkles have been zapped and her skin is of the finest china porcelain. Nice work.

It’s also possible a bit of indoor action with the A-Rod might have given her that little extra glow.

Mads is getting ready for the next phase in her multi-chaptered life. She has just come out of her shitty divorce with Guy Ritchie and she needs to look desirable to a man half her age. She also wants the public to know that she is not a granny but a fit, attractive, enviable woman.

OK we get it but can someone please explain the grass dress she has on. Yes we know its Louis Vuitton but even when you are a demi-god like Madonna, it doesn’t mean you can wear a dress that is a cross between a Hawaiian hula skirt and some of that instant grass you roll out and put on your garden.

Please explain.

Sympathy Piece For The Handbag

OK someome had to help the little fella out and write something about him. I mean he’s been pushed aside to let the Diva through.

At the “Australia” premiere in Sydney, Keith Urban was all but forgotten by the Great One. I think he really was holding Nicole Kidman’s handbag. He was positioned on the outskirts of the red carpet, behind the crowds, whilst Nic strode confidently where the main action was, flashbulbs going off in her face, waving to her fans and sharing frozen smiles with the paparazzi.

Keith’s mug must have turned up in like two published photos of the event, whilst Nic tried her hardest to be in every shot. I couldn’t find one photo published of both of them standing together but Keith was ordered to attend and he did what he was told because he was frightened.

This was where Nic really shone, so she didn’t need the little man to hold her back. After all she had the top boys, i.e. Baz Luhrmann and Hugh Jackman to pose with and after all Hugh is a lot taller.

Australia Premiered Today – So Enough Already With The Hard Sell

Unless you’ve been hiding under a large rock for the last six months, you’ve probably sighted the absolute PR overkill that’s been undertaken to promote the hell out of Baz Luhrmann’s new movie "Australia" – just in case.

A lot of asses are on the line to ensure this movie is a hit, namely Nicole Kidman’s bony one, especially after being labelled number one Box Office poison since her last lot of movies bombed big time due to her wooden acting and bat face. So in case this movie turns out to be a dud, the promotion that has been shoved in your face daily has probably brainwashed you enough to go and see it.

At the press conference today, Kidman dressed in white displayed larger breasts than previously seen. These were purchased during the faux pregnancy phase in preparation for her dramatic comeback.

Kidman took her cue from Angelina, stating that "Australia" may indeed be her last movie and that she would be retiring to focus on motherhood. This angle seemed to have worked for Angelina, but Nicole must have forgotten that she worked on upcoming movie “Nine” immediately after giving birth and has already signed up to appear in “The Eight Wonder” and “The Danish Girl” with Charlize Theron.

So maybe after those ones, unless ofcourse her box office poison becomes box office sugar whereby she will sprinkle her sugar all over us by ensuring she nabs every lead in Hollywood which no doubt she will annihilate.

She also talked about having another kid, because she just bought a fresh pillow.

A-Rod A-moving poet

When Madonna recently said A-Rod “has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body” it was truly nauseating but she wasn’t kidding. A-Rod has been writing some beautiful pieces to his lady friend and we have managed to get a hold of some of this sublime prose. His work is both touching and inspiring to the wannabee poet. Amateurs take note!

Ode to Madonna - Poem by A-Rod
Oh fair of face and taut of skin
You make me want to commit mortal sin
Your sinewy arms are so veined and brawny
You’re just some old bag but your muscular body makes me horny
Let us pray together at your altar of Kabbalah
I don’t know what they’re chanting about but I’ll drink their water
Will you make me your boyfriend so I can get famous?
Then people won’t think of me as just some ignoramus
So get up on the dance floor and sing la de dah dee
Coz you still got that lock granny and I certainly got the key

Here’s A-Rod with one of his mentors earlier this year.

Stay tuned for more A-Rod love sonnets very soon.

Amy Sinks To An All Time Low – If That’s Actually Possible

What’s with the curly wig that Amy Winehouse has been modelling of late?

It’s one thing to be an old crackhead skank but to be one with a curly mop top is just too much for us civilians to bear. Whilst you are on your way down, give your look some semblance of pomp and majesty please Amy. Big knotted beehive do’s, blood stained shoes, gashed arms – now you’re talking.

Looking like yesterday’s old garbage is just too well... commonplace.

Up the ante Amy if you want to continue to be a blog item.

Oh God, They’re Back Together

Looks like Jennifer Aniston and her publicity starved toy boy, John Mayer, are back together again. I guess Mayer couldn’t stand not having the soothing feeling of camera flashbulbs burn his eyeballs and he just wasn’t feeling the love without Jen at his side. Let’s face it, the photos of him solo were fetching 2 cents each.

So John thought long and hard about what was really important in life and love and decided to give her a call.

Jen and John were seen dining together last night in New York. They left the restaurant separately because nobody knew about their relationship nor noticed the swarm of paparazzi tagging behind them and then met up at the Goldbar. Afterwards, they couldn’t stand the all the cloak & dagger stuff so just left together to head back to their hotel.

A radiant Aniston appeared on Oprah earlier the same day after a crammed week promoting of her upcoming movie “Marley & Me” to talk about the “uncool” comments she made about Angelina Jolie in the December issue of Vogue. She tried her best to backpeddle and appear like someone who wasn’t bitter and twisted about her marriage, going so far as to wish the Brangelina well.

Instead she was clearly gagging to discuss her on again union with Mayer, admitting she was seeing him and talking him up to be the saint that he truly is.


Looking forward to see how this one plays out.

There's Nothing Like A Red Carpet To Get A Girl Going

Well it’s that time again. Nicole is doing what she does best - walking down a red carpet promoting herself.

Here she is arriving at the 2008 Glamour Women of the Year Awards in New York, freezing her ass off no less but she is one determined woman. After all she is in her element. No matter that everyone else is bundled up against the cold, she is in Nicole rapture time and nothing else figures. Not even Keith. This is when Nicole does some of her best acting work.

I must keep my body firm - bum out, breasts up and perky. Face taut and terrific. God I’m beautiful!

Meanwhile Keith laughs squarely at nobody in particular. Nicole gives him a quick nasty furrowed brow (which is not hard when you have the Botox Brow)

You didn’t practice that correctly at home you fool, I said nuzzle my neck, then laugh as if we have shared some great intimacy.

Must be hard for the tanned gnome to live up to her Highness.