Keith Salutes His 45 Year Old Baby Girl

In yet another attempt to show the world that they are gloriously in love and their relationship still has legs media wise, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman did their best to act like they really cared for each other. Unfortunately nobody actually cares for them.

Never has the world beamed down two more boring individuals than these two robotic advertisements for plastic surgery gone wrong and a demonstration of acting class 101.

Nicole who it would appear will now go to the opening of a safety pin, due to lack of work commitments, accompanied her heavily pancaked hubbie to the American Music Awards on Sunday night.

Nic practically ran onto the red carpet and dropped to her knees to inhale the shag pile, she had missed it so much. She had been experiencing a red carpet withdrawal since her Oscar win when things started to go downhill.

Kidman was in seventh heaven on the red carpet at the American Music Awards. Keith on the other hand, was concerned if he had performed his poses correctly and wondered if he would be in trouble later. The couple executed their now famous profile to profile move which they have patented and have used on many previous red carpets.

They created the move as Keith’s makeup and three day growth messed up Nicole’s tightly pulled face, so with this move, no actual facial contact was required, just a deep intense stare into each other’s eyes which conveyed a seriously loved up couple to people watching.

Keith took his feelings for his sweetheart further by professing his love for Kidman and not to be forgotten, little Sunday when he picked up the award for Favourite Country Artist award at the show.

On accepting the award he said, "To my wife, I just love you so much, baby girl," "This is for you and Sunday."

Kidman sat in the front row and beamed at her husband because he memorised what they workshopped together beautifully.

Baby girl and pancake face left shortly after satisfied that they had produced yet another brilliant show.

We look forward to the next red carpet event to see the same moves performed yet again.

Nicole Kidman: One Red Hot Sexual Poker?

Yep. She’s back to her tried and tested old tricks again.

In case you’ve been living under a rock you would know that La Kidman has a new movie out soon, ie “Nine” the all singing, all dancing, all Hollywood hottest ladies starring movie due to be released shortly.

The cast is jam packed with some of the most gorgeous stars around i.e. Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Marion Cotilard, Fergie and Sophia Loren, so what do you do when you want to ensure some of that much needed publicity flies your way and maybe not theirs?

You come up with some bullshit story about being a sexually charged adventuress who chews up men and spits their leftovers into the toilet, or something along those lines.

In an interview with GQ magazine, Kidman revealed she had dark, hot feelings in her loins and her experiences of love ranged from ‘mundane’ marriage (no guesses with whom on that one) to “strange sexual fetish stuff”, (a big sweeping statement and yet no further detail was given).

I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

That will keep the press interested for a time, surely?

The illuminating interview was accompanied by Nicole doing her best robot dominatrix cover shot complete with one alluring yet confusing black chiffon glove and kinky over the knee leather boots.

Unfortunately her face remained frozen solid in a passive Mona Lisa smile. She tried valiantly to arrange her features into something close to a come hither look but it was a no go, it had been immobile since the first injection circa 2000 when Tom departed.

The most alarming note about her sound bytes was that we were supposed to assume that she was somehow doing the “strange, sexual fetish stuff” with none other than the Tan Man, Keith Urban.

Kidman said ‘It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you’re very much out at sea. You're exposed. You could drown.

Oh puleeze…

It is hard for us to visualize that after spending a day of crooning country tunes, Keith liked nothing better than to peel off the checked shirt and cowboy boots at night to transform into the Gimp to satisfy his lady’s fetishes.

He was also a self sufficient type of guy, so he liked to tie himself up to the bed posts and await his woman who would administer twenty of her best lashings to his tanned back whilst wearing a granny nightie and a full face of fright night make up. She liked to imagine it was some of the Hollywood studio bosses who wouldn’t give her work anymore so Keith had to be a saint to take the beatings, but at least her knew his pretty bride would get a good night’s sleep afterward.

Yeah we are totally buying it.

Nicole Kidman Purchases A New Wig

Nicole Kidman appears to have gone back to her red hair or at least treated herself to a new red wig.

The white blond snow queen look that La Kidman perfected since she left Tom Cruise made her look like she was at least a thousand years old but was the only colour she could go for which allowed her to cover up all the grey granny hair she had.

Nicole has been searching for a new look since she became mother to Sunday Rose, and loving wife to Keith Urban. She realised that she had been getting some bad press since she was a cold blonde and now needed something that would warm up that icy expression she projects so well.

Nicole ordered a hundred orangutans have their hair shaven off so that a fresh red wig could be made for her head.

Last night, Nicole and Keith were seen in New York after leaving the Broadway play God of Carnage. Nicole had her new red wig soldered to her head along with what appeared to be a swelling belly.

Dressed in a shapeless, bag lady style pink slip, it caused the gathered press to assume at once she was pregnant. Which ofcourse is what Nicole wants you to assume, because Nicole knows it’s important to keep media attention on her at all times. God forbid that we should actually forget about her if the press didnt remind us.

Husband, Keith navigated his wife around the waiting media like the diligent sidekick he is. If anyone needed a makeover overhall, surely it’s Keith? The guy has been carrying around that mop of a highlighted hairstyle for the last twenty years as well as a love of orange skin. The pair couldn’t be more different and yet perhaps they are perfect together.

Get ready to see more of Nicole popping up all over the place as the year progresses, after all she has a movie coming out and it’s important to be seen and not forgotten.

Nicole Kidman Attempts Sexy Back

Nicole Kidman hasn’t got many avenues left to head down these days to get the kind of publicity she used to be able to achieve.

The only option left for her is the red carpet.

The woman gives good red carpet, seriously. She is one of the best there is, she works it well, has Keith trained beautifully on his poses and knows how to get the best money shots. She should be good though, she learnt from the master, Tom Cruise.

She had that shit down pat with Cruise, he nuzzled her neck on queue, they looked moodily into each others eyes and they gave cold yet sexy stares to the awaiting photographers. It was all in a day’s work and that’s why they were the number one couple in their heyday.

Now things have changed and Nic wants to regain the throne with the help of husband, Keith Urban. However, she has a few issues to contend with that so far have stopped her getting there.

One of them is Keith. He just doesn’t have it the same desire that she or even Tom Cruise had. He’s a laid back dude and not publicity hungry and you can tell he is more concerned if he has succeeded in acting out the pose that Nicole told him to do when they were practicing in front of the mirror at home because she could get angry if he gets it wrong.

Secondly, Nicole’s face has changed so dramatically since her glory days with Tom that she looks positively senior citizen; hence she just doesn’t look hip and happening.

Because of this Nicole has had to compromise. Now she doesn’t mind where the red carpet is or what it’s for, who cares, if she spies a red carpet, she is so there.

That’s what she and Keith appeared to be doing at the Country Music Awards last weekend.

Nicole was wearing an ankle length black dress all blinged up to the max which was all covered up at the front, but the reverse of her dress had a wide slash to reveal her toned back. Naturally she was overdressed next to the other attendees who wore Stetsons and jeans.

Nicole ensured that every picture the paps snapped had her back strategically placed for maximum coverage. She orchestrated some additional shots with Keith, where they appeared to laugh at nothing particular, knock heads as they have done in numerous photos previously and looking like they were having the best time together.

The woman will never give up her scheming and try to just be a normal human being. We know she needs to keep getting work (even though she had declared repeatedly to the world she wants to give up Hollywood) but at some point, doesn’t she just want to move on with her life?

Then again it’s probably too late for that kind of behaviour now. She really can’t remember the all the many stories she keeps telling the world, just like the way she can’t remember ever using Botox.

When All PR Options Are Exhausted, Bring Out The Baby

Yeah that’s right, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Things aren’t looking too good for Nicole Kidman. Her movie “Australia” is not delivering in the States, she can’t remember which lie sound byte she used at the last press call, she’s getting a lot of negative press from everywhere including this one so now it’s time.

It’s time to get Sunday Rose out to do her job.

It may seem like an early career start for Sunday Beef Roast, but there’s an economic crisis going down and she needs to pull her weight and earn her salary.

Nicole has seen how brilliantly ex hubby Tom Cruise, has exploited Suri to keep him in the press and soften his cuckoo image and Suri has delivered in spades.

Sunday Rose could do that for Nicole.

But the question needs to be asked, why are they strolling with the kid in her arms when they have a perfectly good driver they could use? Come on, celebrities don’t stroll anywhere. Why isn’t the baby in a stroller, wouldnt that be easier for both parent and child?

It all points to a massive ruse. You decide.

Parting shot – Love the way Keith never gets to hold Sunday Rose. That honour goes strictly to Nicole. Sometimes he is seen tentatively touching a baby toe or a finger – but that’s all he’s allowed. It’s Nicole’s moment, deal with it.

Nicole Kidman: A Different Country, A Different Lie

Oh it’s just impossible to keep up with this woman and her ever changing lies and modifications to her life stories.

Nicole Kidman is seen here at the Paris premiere hardselling “Australia” to the French with ever present hubby Keith at her side but now she has altered her story that she originally stated at the Sydney premiere of “Australia”.

In Sydney, Nicole gave the impression that she was pretty much wrapping up her career to focus on Sunday Beef Roast and The Fringe – however that was just a titillating sound byte to give the reporters some sort of angle to write about. Otherwise what did they have?

The public equally breathed a sigh of relief at the good news.

Bu now it appears Nicole needs a new angle to keep her name in the press so her career (which let’s face it she had no intention of giving up because then what would she have) is back on again. She announced the news at a hasty press conference in Paris for “Australia”. Hasty me thinks because she didn’t want to have to field any potential questions about her bad acting reviews in “Australia”.

Nicole also touched her stomach a lot and knocked heads again with Keith to:

a) Start fresh pregnancy rumours and
b) Show she is still intensely in love with Keith even though a head tap is all she can muster.

Damage Control Required Urgently

Ah... it all makes sense. Now we know why Nicole Kidman appeared jittery and a little distracted at the “Australia” premiere in New York last night. Earlier that day she had taped her interview on the David Letterman Show to promote “Australia”. Things didn’t turn out so well.

It was an awkward mess. Nicole was one giggling creature, who seemed ill equipped and unprofessional in answering David Letterman’s questions. Letterman seemed fixated on asking questions about Keith Urban and his birth country of New Zealand.

One question about her hubby was fine, but when he went on and on about Keith, well clearly it was enough to get a girl worried if there was going to be enough time left in the interview to discuss her.

This prompted Nic to say to Letterman at one point “Why are you so obsessed with him?” and “Can we please talk about the film”. After all she had got to the end of the sales brochure about Keith in her head and couldn't think of any further anecdotes about him. She urgently needed to move onto safer conversation territory i.e. herself.

Nic tried valiantly to steer David Letterman to discuss the movie, but he changed directions again and moved swiftly onto talking about her face, seemingly making a sly reference to her Botox by saying “Your face is radiant, gorgeous, perfect symmetry” and “That’s a face you want right there” which clearly made Nicole uncomfortable.

She was probably wondering if he was going to ask her about her alleged Botox to which she would have to lie directly on national TV. Sadly David didn’t go there. Shame. Nic also seemed to stumble when asked to introduce a clip from the movie “Australia”.

I’m not sure if Nicole tries to come across as all warm & fuzzy to detract from her ambition and her plastic face, but she doesn’t enjoy the kind of smart, sharp interviewing that David Letterman excels at. Her preference is the kiss ass technique that Oprah uses on her guests but Nicole has to do the rounds if she wants “Australia” to do well and believe me, she needs it to do well.

As soon as the interview ended she was probably dialling PR, telling them to get their asses brainstorming. They were going to have to crank up the spin to cover up for her muddled appearance.

They’re going to need one hell of a good story to smooth this one over.

Some Plastic, A Sprinkle of Glitter, A Male Handbag And I’m Good To Go

Here’s Nicole Kidman & her fringed “handbag” at the "Australia" premiere in New York last night and I think it’s fair to say, Nic has finally lost the plot.

Firstly, let’s talk about the dress. I think she may have raided her nanna’s wardrobe with this glittery gold number. It’s so circa 1920’s and her senior citizen up-do just won’t do.

Nicole, what is with your fixation with looking so proper, genteel and nice? You look positively antique, You’re hardly genteel, and nice? Well, I think we know the answer to that one.

Nic & Keith continued knocking heads together as an expression of their intimacy whilst inexplicably she practically tongue kissed Hugh Jackman, whom she seems much more cosy with.

I also love how Nic has been seen of late sporting kitten heels. Keith must have been feeling insecure about his height standing next to her statuesque proportions so she has tried to lower herself whilst he has started to sport boots with Cuban stock heels to compensate. If Nicole is willing to do that for Keith, she really must love him like she loved Tom!

Nic seemed distracted and skittish all night. Nervous perhaps of either the cameras zooming in on her plastic fantastic or of the questions reporters were going to ask her – hard to say.

She was surrounded by her friends including Naomi Watts, there to prop up her fragile ego but was it working?

At one point, a reporter asked her what tourist attractions she would suggest to travellers to see when they were visiting Australia. This seemed to totally throw her after all she’s only used to talking about herself. She replied, “Sorry, my head’s spinning” and then proceeded to walk off leaving the reporter totally baffled. I suppose it was an outrageous question.

Still, not a good look for Nicole.

OK, Nic is probably weary because there’s been some shocking reviews specifically targeting Nicole’s acting skills but she is going to have to put on a brave (plastic) face if she wants to take the “Australia” roadshow to the world. Perhaps try acting.

Sympathy Piece For The Handbag

OK someome had to help the little fella out and write something about him. I mean he’s been pushed aside to let the Diva through.

At the “Australia” premiere in Sydney, Keith Urban was all but forgotten by the Great One. I think he really was holding Nicole Kidman’s handbag. He was positioned on the outskirts of the red carpet, behind the crowds, whilst Nic strode confidently where the main action was, flashbulbs going off in her face, waving to her fans and sharing frozen smiles with the paparazzi.

Keith’s mug must have turned up in like two published photos of the event, whilst Nic tried her hardest to be in every shot. I couldn’t find one photo published of both of them standing together but Keith was ordered to attend and he did what he was told because he was frightened.

This was where Nic really shone, so she didn’t need the little man to hold her back. After all she had the top boys, i.e. Baz Luhrmann and Hugh Jackman to pose with and after all Hugh is a lot taller.

There's Nothing Like A Red Carpet To Get A Girl Going

Well it’s that time again. Nicole is doing what she does best - walking down a red carpet promoting herself.

Here she is arriving at the 2008 Glamour Women of the Year Awards in New York, freezing her ass off no less but she is one determined woman. After all she is in her element. No matter that everyone else is bundled up against the cold, she is in Nicole rapture time and nothing else figures. Not even Keith. This is when Nicole does some of her best acting work.

I must keep my body firm - bum out, breasts up and perky. Face taut and terrific. God I’m beautiful!

Meanwhile Keith laughs squarely at nobody in particular. Nicole gives him a quick nasty furrowed brow (which is not hard when you have the Botox Brow)

You didn’t practice that correctly at home you fool, I said nuzzle my neck, then laugh as if we have shared some great intimacy.

Must be hard for the tanned gnome to live up to her Highness.

Nicole Kidman Looking Wafer Thin After Birth of Daughter

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were spotted in Nashville stepping out for coffee just two weeks after the birth of their daughter, Sunday Beef Roast on July 7th.

The newborn was nowhere to be seen and frankly neither was any leftover bulge on Nicole Kidman or the slightest hint that she had even delivered a baby a short time ago.

To top it off she wore figure skimming white, which seemed weird. Surely she would want to hide any, shall we say, unwanted unsightliness from view so quickly after the birth of her baby as Angelina Jolie did who had a fondness for wearing black tent dresses.

But no, Nicole was probably sick of being all covert during the “pregnancy” and needed to get out and stretch her skinny ass frame, forgetting that she would need to keep up the pretence long after the birth.

Did I mention Keith was there too.

Nicole Kidman Gives Birth to Sunday Roast on a Monday

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have become the proud parents of a baby girl, whom they have inexplicably named, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban.

The baby was born Monday morning in Nashville, People magazine confirmed.

Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.

Kidman has two other children with her ex husband, Tom Cruise, Isabella 15 and Connor 13.

Only the previous Saturday, Keith Urban declared at a concert to 50,000 fans in Nashville (which Nicole also attended) that his wife was, very, very, very, very, very pregnant, so we knew that someone was going to pop soon.

In the weeks leading up to the birth, Kidman and Urban’s routine didn’t vary with regular early morning stops to Starbucks for coffee and Nicole attending her habitual spin and yoga classes which she curiously continued to go to throughout her entire pregnancy.

Getting ready for the baby had been a priority for the couple, even though when Urban turned up at a local radio station on June 24 and was quizzed about whether they were taking Lamaze classes, he seemed to know nothing about it and denied ever having taken them.

Luckily Nicole was listening and dialed the radio station to clear things up and tell the listening audience that "He doesn't know the name (of the classes), but he has been very good at it!" Kidman said. Oh glad you were listening Nicole and you straightened that out, because fancy Keith not even remembering he had taken classes in the first place.

Even though the couple announced they wouldnt publish images of their baby, it's only a matter of time.

We look forward to seeing Sunday Rose shortly.

Did You Know Nicole is Very, Very, Very, Very Pregnant?

Yeah that’s right, unlike countless other women who are just pregnant. Nicole Kidman is actually very, very, very, very, very pregnant.

So says Keith Urban who informed a crowd of nearly 50,000 people at a concert in Nashville on Saturday night. Enough already, we get it, the surrogate’s about to give birth.

"I’m going to dedicate a song to my very, very, very, very, VERY pregnant wife!" Urban said with a laugh, before singing his hit, "Better Half."

His wife, Nicole Kidman, was backstage, watching intently to make sure he told the audience exactly what she asked him to say and therefore enable the world press to pick up the story.

"Well, we’re home, Nashville," a jubilant Urban shrieked to the screaming crowd during the concert, before wishing them a happy Fourth of July, telling them, “We were blowing things up last night!” WTF?

There was speculation that Urban might join headliner Kenny Chesney after his set, but no, Urban left the stage once finished and joined his wife who would have fallen asleep as she has been seen doing at Urban’s previous concerts.

The two strolled hand-in-hand without a care in the world, lingering momentarily to wave to the crowds that they suddenly remembered were there before getting into a golf card and being whisked away.

OK So Touch Your Head Gently Against Mine Just Like We Rehearsed

Here are Nicole and Keith practicing the fine art of gentle head tapping. This is an ancient lovers’ technique that Nic conquered up to supposedly convey an advanced level of intimacy between the pair. It’s way superior to actually touching or god forbid kissing in public.

Or is it that Nicole can’t bear that Keith’s three day growth should graze against her soft, plumped lily white botoxed cheeks? Then again perhaps neither Nicole or in fact Keith wants to wipe off the heavy layer of makeup that they both like to wear so much.

Nicole and Keith are on the red carpet at the 43rd annual Academy of Country Awards held at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 18 in Las Vegas.

It’s in fact the first time that Nic seems to have a perfectly rounded pregnant belly to show off to the world. Her hand remained glued to the underside of her tummy either to protect the contents or in case the pillow falls out – hard to say really.