Madonna Is An Army Booted, Camouflage Suited Mum

Are we really all that surprised that Madonna’s adoption case was rejected?

Ok we are surprised. I mean come on, nobody, I mean nobody has dared to turn Madonna down, well at least nobody has before, but Malawi, where Madonna is attempting to adopt her second child, Mercy, from, did just that and left Madonna openmouthed, dumbfounded and momentarily gob smacked as to what to do next.

But really, did she even attempt to follow the guidelines of the adoption process of Malawi? Did she try to ingratiate herself with the locals? Did she come over all motherly and warm and fuzzy? Or did Madge just bamboozle herself into trying to get what she wants and when she wants it because the woman has the patience of an ant so things must move at her god damn super fast pace or get the hell out of her face.

Did she need to walk down the dusty streets of Malawi wearing a combination of laced up army boots, combat pants, ginormous sunnies and Heidi of the alps tied plaits. Just what the hell kind of mother type look was that? She looked like she was either ready for war or ready to start vogueing rather than cuddling her newly acquired daughter. If I was Mercy, I would be petrified too if my mother turned out to be an army sergeant and asked me to drop to my knees and do twenty push ups.

Maybe in New York that look is really common for mothers, but certainly not in the simple streets of Malawi where Madonna, her brood and a hurd of paparazzi stood out glaringly against the backdrop.

This story isn’t over ofcourse. Madonna will never leave anything without a good fight but the Malawi people must be glad at the very least that her fashion sense has left the country and they can rest their eyes on their beautiful landscape once again.

Madonna: Desperately Seeking Youth

Madonna made a desperate play to show she can still kick it with the young girls out there by dressing up in a ridiculous school girl outfit to attend a fancy dress party for the Jewish celebration of Purim which was held at the Kabbalah Centre in New York on Monday night.

Looking more like her daughter Lourdes especially with her newly acquired twelve year old face to match, Madonna, 50, did nothing to dispel rumours that she is jealous of Lourdes trend setting look and growing popularity, by raiding her daughter’s wardrobe and demanding she lend her mother her Converse sneakers for the event.

Clearly, Madonna wanted to set the record straight to anyone who thought she might be ready for a granny blanket and a warm cup of soup, hope you are taking note Guy Ritchie.

Jesus Luz, her alleged new toyboy, for reasons known only to the couple, was dressed as The Joker, complete with scary face paint which obscured his usual handsome features. To add to the confusing he arrived at the Centre hand in hand with Jessica Seinfeld.

We can only wonder what Jerry wore?

Guy Ritchie - Grossed Out By Madonna & Jesus

Well can you blame him?

It seems that Madonna’s salacious photo shoot in the March issue of W magazine with alleged new toy boy, Jesus Luz, has totally repulsed her ex husband, Guy Ritchie.

He apparently told Madonna that the images were embarrassing and were grossing out their children. A sentiment equally echoed by the rest of us who had the distinct displeasure of eyeballing the photos.

The images shot by Stephen Meisel in Rio de Janeiro, though beautifully photographed, show the 50 year old singer in provocative poses with 20 year old Jesus Luz which leave nothing to the imagination and reveal a desperate need to show the world that her granny bones are still appealing to a young, hot guy.

It would be interesting to see what Lourdes who at 12 years old is closer in age to Jesus Luz, thinks about the photos, let alone Rocco, 8 and David Banda, 3.

But then apparently Madonna doesn’t let her children read any newspapers, listen to the radio or watch television so they are under the impression she is as apple pie mummy as Carol Brady. And I’m sure that nobody has ever slipped them an incriminating photo of their mother, so naturally they are in the dark about her slutty ways, right? The media block out is probably lifted when they are thirty years old.

Madonna was pissed off when Guy Ritchie had the sense to criticise her. Not because she is on the whole, always pissed off about something and not because she is concerned if the kids actually see a picture of her bony ass, but because she hates anyone, especially her ex husband commenting on what she does “artistically” with her career.

Nobody questions her Madgesty’s artistic integrity, nobody.

You got that Guy.

Lourdes Leon Is Rockin Her Fashion Style

Twelve year old Lourdes Leon seems to have overtaken her mother, Madonna on the hip style stakes.

Actually come to think of it, it was pretty easy to overtake Madonna, let’s face it; the woman’s style has been quite dubious since the eighties.

Either Lourdes has got a stylist of her own or she is really good at throwing things together but the kid has been looking oh so hip & rock star leaving the Kabbalah Centre in New York, with her mother, in a funky mixture of Converse trainers, brightly coloured tights, cool t-shirts and a bevy of assorted hats, whilst still looking age appropriate.

That said, she manages to perfect the same bitchy expression on her face as Madonna.

We will have our chance to see if Ms Leon turns out just as doggy as her mother, as it looks like she wants to be, surprise, surprise, an actress and will be following her famous mum’s footsteps into the entertainment world.

Lourdes has been enrolled to attend New York’s famous Professional Children’s School, of which celebrities such as Scarlett Johansson, and Sarah Jessica Parker have also graced with their presence.

So she’s got the fashion down pat, let’s hope for Lourdes sake, that her acting debut turns out a lot better than her mother’s.

Madonna Still Worships Jesus

She might be a Kabbalist these days, but Madonna still loves Jesus.

Jesus Luz that is, and by all accounts, it looks as if their “ficando” relationship (Portuguese for friends with benefits) is still going strong.

Madonna, 50, met the 22 year old Brazilian model during a shoot for W magazine in Rio De Janeiro and was so impressed by his total hotness that she invited him to join her on her Sticky & Sweet tour through Sao Paulo, not as a backup dancer but to provide some friendship backstage.

However, it looks like he might be more than just a tour whore.

The couple were seen last Sunday leaving Italian restaurant, Nero D’avola in NY together with Madge’s children, 12 year old Lourdes Leon and three year old David Banda before taking in a spot of shopping.

Rocco Ritchie was nowhere to be seen, he was possibly with Guy Ritchie who is currently also in New York visiting his children.

Madonna’s love life doesn’t seem to be slowing down now that she has reached the ripe old age of fifty. Far from it, seeming more like the Madonna Maneater of the eighties, her old form is back again, after her marriage to Guy Ritchie ended last November.

Only two weeks ago she was spotted with A-Rod at a get together at Jerry Seinfeld’s Hampton home.

More power to you Madge!

Madonna Receives Sacred Kiss From Jesus

Well she probably ordered him to kiss her but at least it gives us a sneak peek at one of the first shots of Madonna & Jesus Luz together and about to perform some holy tongue hockey.

Note Madonna’s gloved hand pushing Jesus towards her in case he had second thoughts. She is pretty damn strong with those muscular arms so he had no way of escaping her clutches. The Material Girl likes to be in total control during escapades with the opposite sex and as she felt spiritually connected to Jesus, she was determined that they would come together in blessed union.

This initial image is part of a shoot that photographer and long time friend of Madonna, Steven Klein, had been photographing for W magazine of Madge whilst in Rio De Jeneiro.

Brazilian, Jesus Luz, 20 had been hired as one of the models for the shoot and Madonna was allegedly so swept up in lust the first time she eyeballed Jesus’ gorgeous hunkiness that she promptly asked him to accompany her on her Sticky & Sweet tour throughout Sao Paulo where they were destined to have a divine time together.

Will have to wait a little longer to see what other racy shots will be part of the shoot.

Image Source: Made In Brazil
Photographer: Steven Klein

Madonna Gets Mojo And Moula Back After Divorce

Madonna has been looking better than ever since her divorce from Guy Ritchie late last year.

Gone is the lurid stage makeup and haggard expression that she wore during her Sticky & Sweet tour and throughout the trials and tribulations of her divorce last year.

Looking fabulously youthful and surprisingly elegant with new face in tow, she was spotted out to dinner with long time friend, photographer Steven Klein, at the Waverly Inn in New York.

It’s understandable that Madonna seems happier of late, she has much to smile about these days.

The Material Girl topped Calendar’s Ultimate Top 10 list of highest grossing pop acts for 2008. Madonna was the No 1 concert attraction and she took in $105.3 million from her touring in addition to $14.8 million from music sales. Worldwide, according to Pollstar, Madonna amassed a staggering $281.6 million.

Madge must be hugely pleased with her 2008 revenue, especially as she had to fork out so much money for her divorce to Ritche. Any new income will ensure she is not left poor, penniless and on the streets.

In addition, Madonna is supposedly dating model, Jesus Luz, 20. A relationship that surely must be blessed with the union of their names. Madonna met Jesus during a shoot for W magazine, shot by Steven Klein in Rio De Jeneiro, and invited him to join her on her Sticky & Sweet tour through Sao Paulo.

The couple apparently are “ficando,” which is Portuguese for friends with benefits and Jesus produced a return to form for Madonna who previous to limey Guy Ritchie seemed to favour the Latino look. A-Rod was nowhere to be seen.

Feeling rejuvenated and loved up by her new toy boy and with bags of cashola coming into her account, Madonna will be glad to see the back of 2008 and is hoping for a more successful new year.

For more details re Madonna's 2008 earnings, see story in All About Madonna

Madonna’s Publicist Gets Her Ass Kicked

Looks like Madonna’s sycophant PR sidekick, Liz Rosenberg, is in some deep shit with the boss lady.

It appears she spoke her mouth off too early on Monday disclosing the sums of Madonna & Guy Ritchie’s divorce settlement to all and sundry via the Associated Press.

By Wednesday, Madonna and Guy Ritchie had issued a jointly statement saying, "A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week.

"The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children."

Yeah that’s right, it was all the PR chick’s fault and had nothing to do with either Madonna or Guy Ritchie.

Rosenberg was, of course, just following orders instructed by Madonna, who told her to release the statement so the world knew that she, Madonna, wasn’t a skanky miser who hoards all her money but was prepared to throw some small change Ritchie’s way and additionally thwart press reports that Ritchie’s camp had planted stating that he wasn’t interested in her money at all.

But Ritchie was pissed that Madonna didn’t abide to their agreement and had let the world know the exact figures involved. He was determined to look like the victim in the story as had been his angle all along. Madonna was forced to retract the statement this week but only after the world absorbed just exactly how much money she was going to pay him. Probably her plan all along?

Ritchie definitely was interested in Madonna’s money and Madonna definitely didn’t want to share her pennies not to mention art collection with Ritchie so by releasing a subsequent statement, they could both cover their asses.

Ahh....It’s so nice to see an ex-couple uniting in the end.

We get to finally see what the pair had in common in the first place – money.

Now that’s true love.

Guy Ritchie - No Longer A Penny Pinchin’ Geezer

The financial details of Madonna’s divorce settlement with ex husband Guy Ritchie has now been finalised and broadcast to the world which is apparently what people do these days.

Claims that Guy wasn’t after a penny of Madonna’s money, appear to be false.

Madonna, pissed that Ritchie was coming out the saint in the saga when he previously announced to all and sundry that the missus was only prepared to hand out her spare change, had her publicist, Liz Rozenberg, release a statement to the Associated Press to clear her name and ensure that her loyal subjects were in no doubt as to just who was helping who in the story.

Looks like Madonna will be parting with somewhere in the region of $76 million to $92 million to Ritchie. This amount includes the value of the couple’s country estate in Wiltshire as well as The Punchbowl, the pub in Mayfair both of which Ritchie wanted and will now be able to hang onto.

Combined estimated earnings of the couple sits at approximately $525 million, of which the vast majority belongs to Madonna and Ritchie only helping to top up the communal piggy bank with his measly $35 million.

Rosenberg went on to say “I’d assume it’s one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement.”

Let’s just be clear on that point.

Whilst the financial details of the settlement have been sorted out, the custodial arrangements for their children are still being finalised. As it’s Madonna, this could take another six months to complete so she gets her way and presumably another press release announcement just so we are clear that she is by no means a bad mother.

Either way, looks like Guy is going to be staging one hell of a Xmas party this year.

Madonna Needs Money After Forking Out Cash To Guy Ritchie

Madonna is suing UK tabloid “Mail On Sunday” for £5million for publishing private photos from her 2000 wedding to Guy Ritchie.

A British court has ruled in favour of Madonna but is still deciding the final amount to be paid out to her.

Madonna & Guy Ritchie were married on December 22, 2000 at an extravagant but private ceremony at Skibo castle in the Scottish Highlands. The wedding was attended by stars such as close pals, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting and Stella McCartney.

Security surrounded the event to ensure its secrecy and no pictures were ever publicly sighted until October 19 this year when Madonna & Guy Ritchie happened to announce their divorce. On the same day, The “Mail on Sunday” published a “world excusive” in a double page spread of images from their wedding.

The photos were taken by renowned photographer Jean Baptiste Mondino but allegedly leaked to the “Mail on Sunday” by one of her interior designers who secretly photographed the photos directly from a wedding album at her home.

Madonna is asking for £5 million and any damages received, Madonna isn’t actually going to keep for herself but plans to donate to her charitable foundation that she set up to help Aids orphans in Malawi, where her adopted son David Banda was born.

The “Mail On Sunday” however, feels Madonna’s asking price of £5 million is way too high considering they paid just $5000 for the shots.

The courts will decide shortly and no doubt Madonna will get what she wants.

Understandably in this case.

Guy Ritchie Won’t Be Homeless After All

Well it looks like Guy Ritchie won’t be left destitute and on the streets now that Madonna & Guy have finalised the particulars of their speedy divorce just one month after announcing their split.

Avoiding the media circus it could have become, the couple have managed to come to an agreement with regards to the finer details so they can move on with their separate lives.

Although Ritchie insisted he didn’t want a penny from Madonna, he will get quite a bit more than that very soon and clearly Madonna wanted the world to know he wasn’t walking away without a cent as recent reports have been insisting.

Madonna won’t be breaking up her estimated £$300 million fortune anytime soon, however, she will have to part with £$32 million in total to Guy of which he will see a cash sum of £12 million.

Ritchie will acquire sole ownership of their estimated £20 million country estate in Wiltshire as well as getting to hang onto his beloved £3 million pub in Punchbowl, Mayfair.

However, in the deal, Madonna has kept their home in Marylebone, London. Ritchie wanted the London home but Madonna wasn’t prepared to give this up or split it in two and therefore had to dish out the £12 million cash payment to recompense him.

The additional monies will help Guy to purchase homes in New York and London to be closer to their sons. Rocco, 8, and adopted son David, 3, who will now have to split their time between New York with Madonna and London with Ritchie.

Lourdes, Madonna’s 12 year old daughter from her relationship with Carlos Leon, will live in New York with Madonna.

An official statement will be released by the couple shortly.

Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet Tour Soured for Australian Fans

Madonna has cancelled bringing her “Sticky & Sweet” tour to Australia in 2009 due to the weak Australian dollar upsetting many loyal fans in the process.

The production was costly to stage, resulting in high ticket prices to the public and due to this, Madge was concerned she might not fill an entire stadium. Let’s face it, who the hell is going to fork out up to $400 in these lean money grabbing times to see the Sinewy One. Probably only diehards and there’s no way Madonna would play to a half filled stadium even just for the loyal ones.

C’mon peoples, let’s show a bit of understanding. There’s a global financial crisis going down and Madonna’s been hard hit, alright?

The “Sticky & Sweet” tour has already taken in 28 dates which Madonna launched on August 23rd in Cardiff of which she has only earned a measly $91.5 million in profit and over $207 million in ticket sales. Clearly Madge is on the bread line and even though she allegedly didn’t outlay any money or any of her precious paintings to Guy Ritchie in her recent divorce, that’s really not the point.

She’s a single girl now with three kiddies to support so it’s important for her to count all her pennies and save for a brighter day. Madonna also needs to buy up all the Kabbalah water which can be quite expensive not to mention the up keep costs to preserve her new face.

This is the second time Madonna has cut her tour to Australia. She previously cancelled the “Confessions on A Dance Floor Tour” in 2006 citing the fact she was a great parent and needed to get back to London to get her kids ready for the new school term or some shit. This time it’s the Australian dollar. She’s only brought one tour to Australia which was the “Girly Show” in 1993. Since then there has been a lot of sorry ass excuses.

Australian audiences will have to be satisfied listening to her sticky music instead.

Madonna's Getting Laid

Here's Madonna attending the GUCCI Unicef Dinner at the Plaza in New York and I have to say she looks stunning, well her face does anyway.

OK she doesn’t actually look like Madonna at all, more like Veronica Lake or one of those old 1940’s movie stars, but stunning none the less. Her Extreme Makeover is at its loveliest stage now. She has defined cheekbones which she never had before, her fillers are all in the right places, her wrinkles have been zapped and her skin is of the finest china porcelain. Nice work.

It’s also possible a bit of indoor action with the A-Rod might have given her that little extra glow.

Mads is getting ready for the next phase in her multi-chaptered life. She has just come out of her shitty divorce with Guy Ritchie and she needs to look desirable to a man half her age. She also wants the public to know that she is not a granny but a fit, attractive, enviable woman.

OK we get it but can someone please explain the grass dress she has on. Yes we know its Louis Vuitton but even when you are a demi-god like Madonna, it doesn’t mean you can wear a dress that is a cross between a Hawaiian hula skirt and some of that instant grass you roll out and put on your garden.

Please explain.

A-Rod A-moving poet

When Madonna recently said A-Rod “has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body” it was truly nauseating but she wasn’t kidding. A-Rod has been writing some beautiful pieces to his lady friend and we have managed to get a hold of some of this sublime prose. His work is both touching and inspiring to the wannabee poet. Amateurs take note!

Ode to Madonna - Poem by A-Rod
Oh fair of face and taut of skin
You make me want to commit mortal sin
Your sinewy arms are so veined and brawny
You’re just some old bag but your muscular body makes me horny
Let us pray together at your altar of Kabbalah
I don’t know what they’re chanting about but I’ll drink their water
Will you make me your boyfriend so I can get famous?
Then people won’t think of me as just some ignoramus
So get up on the dance floor and sing la de dah dee
Coz you still got that lock granny and I certainly got the key

Here’s A-Rod with one of his mentors earlier this year.

Stay tuned for more A-Rod love sonnets very soon.

Madonna & Guy Ritchie Can’t Stand Each Other's Faces

After much media speculation and the couple not looking too happy on the red carpet of late, Madonna and Guy Ritchie have finally announced their split.

A jointly statement emailed to The Associated Press by Madonna’s publicist, Liz Rozenberg, announced that Madonna and filmmaker Guy Ritchie will end their marriage after nearly eight years. The couple asked the media to “maintain respect for their family at this difficult time,”

The financials and custodial arrangements are yet to be agreed to by the couple.

Madonna and film director, Guy Ritchie, were married at Skibo Castle in the Scottish Highlands in December 2000. The couple have two children: Rocco 8, and David Banda, 3, who was adopted from Malawi in 2006. Madonna also has a 12-year-old daughter, Lourdes, from her previous relationship with Carlos Leon.

The couple are reportedly worth approximately $525 million combined, of which the vast majority of that belongs to Madonna and Guy Ritchie bringing in an estimated $35 million. They have homes in London, Los Angeles and New York, as well as a country estate in Wiltshire and a pub in Mayfair.

It’s alleged that though Madonna wanted to delay the announcement of their split till after her global "Sticky and Sweet" tour ended, their fighting got so bad that Ritchie just wanted out, according to the Sun newspaper.

Madonna finally relented and they are both now looking for the divorce to be complete prior to Christmas.

One Can Opener, One Eye Opener, please

It has to be said, Renee Zellweger has got to be the only celeb in Hollywood that actually needs an eye opening operation.

Whilst everyone else’s eyes are getting larger after their faces are stretched tightly over their brains (that's right Madonna, I'm talking to you), Renee’s eyes seem to be sinking further into her head.

Here she is at the press conference for her movie ‘Appaloosa” at the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival.

If there are any plastic professionals out there who are willing to offer their help to this worthy cause, please get in touch.

Madonna Doesn't Look A Day Over Fifty

Madonna celebrated her 50th birthday with a coming of age party organised by her husband Guy Ritchie with her money, with strict instructions from Her Majesty about the songs to be played, the vegan food to be served, the birthday messages to be read and the people to be invited.

Outside of that he had full carte blanche to do as he wished.

Guy apparently made a speech at the party, which she wrote, declaring his love for Madonna and pledging his loyalty to their marriage.

Dressing in a style appropriate for her age, Madonna rocked up with black crotch skimming boots taking the place of pants, black sheer top revealing her veiny arms and setting the look off with her entire gold chain collection draped around her neck. She was beautifully trashbag.

She appeared upset that some of her friends didn’t turn up, namely Gwinnie and everyone else that she had fallen out with but instead tried to feign delight at turning half a century. She was probably thinking that she only a few hours left before she could go to the gym and work out on her beloved Stairmaster.

Sure enough there she was the next day at 8am going to the gym, with her juice and Evian water in hand.

Yeah must have been some great party that she could get up at the crack of dawn to do those few extra sit ups.

Madonna & Guy Ritchie are All Loved Up at Cannes

Madonna turned up on the red carpet with an unsmiling Guy Ritchie at the premiere of her film, “I Am Because We Are”, at the 61st Annual Cannes Film Festival on Wednesday.

They looked like an awesome couple in love in every way.

Madonna clothed in Chanel was the epitome of the more is more school of thought what with the combination of her golden hair with regrowth poking through, dazzling bling, massive false eyelashes and her penchant for bucket loads of black eyeliner she gave drag a good name.

Guy Ritchie’s face was so grave one would have thought he was attending a funeral.

Nobody seemed particularly happy and clearly some sort of you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours arrangement appeared to be in place. Something along the lines of so if you turn up on my arm at Cannes for my movie, I will turn up on your arm for the RocknRolla premiere later this year.

That way we will be guaranteed a huge amount of press as well as give the impression that this cockamaney marriage is for real – you dig?

Guy dug.