One Can Opener, One Eye Opener, please

It has to be said, Renee Zellweger has got to be the only celeb in Hollywood that actually needs an eye opening operation.

Whilst everyone else’s eyes are getting larger after their faces are stretched tightly over their brains (that's right Madonna, I'm talking to you), Renee’s eyes seem to be sinking further into her head.

Here she is at the press conference for her movie ‘Appaloosa” at the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival.

If there are any plastic professionals out there who are willing to offer their help to this worthy cause, please get in touch.

Madonna Doesn't Look A Day Over Fifty

Madonna celebrated her 50th birthday with a coming of age party organised by her husband Guy Ritchie with her money, with strict instructions from Her Majesty about the songs to be played, the vegan food to be served, the birthday messages to be read and the people to be invited.

Outside of that he had full carte blanche to do as he wished.

Guy apparently made a speech at the party, which she wrote, declaring his love for Madonna and pledging his loyalty to their marriage.

Dressing in a style appropriate for her age, Madonna rocked up with black crotch skimming boots taking the place of pants, black sheer top revealing her veiny arms and setting the look off with her entire gold chain collection draped around her neck. She was beautifully trashbag.

She appeared upset that some of her friends didn’t turn up, namely Gwinnie and everyone else that she had fallen out with but instead tried to feign delight at turning half a century. She was probably thinking that she only a few hours left before she could go to the gym and work out on her beloved Stairmaster.

Sure enough there she was the next day at 8am going to the gym, with her juice and Evian water in hand.

Yeah must have been some great party that she could get up at the crack of dawn to do those few extra sit ups.

Nicole Kidman Looking Wafer Thin After Birth of Daughter

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were spotted in Nashville stepping out for coffee just two weeks after the birth of their daughter, Sunday Beef Roast on July 7th.

The newborn was nowhere to be seen and frankly neither was any leftover bulge on Nicole Kidman or the slightest hint that she had even delivered a baby a short time ago.

To top it off she wore figure skimming white, which seemed weird. Surely she would want to hide any, shall we say, unwanted unsightliness from view so quickly after the birth of her baby as Angelina Jolie did who had a fondness for wearing black tent dresses.

But no, Nicole was probably sick of being all covert during the “pregnancy” and needed to get out and stretch her skinny ass frame, forgetting that she would need to keep up the pretence long after the birth.

Did I mention Keith was there too.

Nicole Kidman Gives Birth to Sunday Roast on a Monday

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have become the proud parents of a baby girl, whom they have inexplicably named, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban.

The baby was born Monday morning in Nashville, People magazine confirmed.

Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.

Kidman has two other children with her ex husband, Tom Cruise, Isabella 15 and Connor 13.

Only the previous Saturday, Keith Urban declared at a concert to 50,000 fans in Nashville (which Nicole also attended) that his wife was, very, very, very, very, very pregnant, so we knew that someone was going to pop soon.

In the weeks leading up to the birth, Kidman and Urban’s routine didn’t vary with regular early morning stops to Starbucks for coffee and Nicole attending her habitual spin and yoga classes which she curiously continued to go to throughout her entire pregnancy.

Getting ready for the baby had been a priority for the couple, even though when Urban turned up at a local radio station on June 24 and was quizzed about whether they were taking Lamaze classes, he seemed to know nothing about it and denied ever having taken them.

Luckily Nicole was listening and dialed the radio station to clear things up and tell the listening audience that "He doesn't know the name (of the classes), but he has been very good at it!" Kidman said. Oh glad you were listening Nicole and you straightened that out, because fancy Keith not even remembering he had taken classes in the first place.

Even though the couple announced they wouldnt publish images of their baby, it's only a matter of time.

We look forward to seeing Sunday Rose shortly.

Did You Know Nicole is Very, Very, Very, Very Pregnant?

Yeah that’s right, unlike countless other women who are just pregnant. Nicole Kidman is actually very, very, very, very, very pregnant.

So says Keith Urban who informed a crowd of nearly 50,000 people at a concert in Nashville on Saturday night. Enough already, we get it, the surrogate’s about to give birth.

"I’m going to dedicate a song to my very, very, very, very, VERY pregnant wife!" Urban said with a laugh, before singing his hit, "Better Half."

His wife, Nicole Kidman, was backstage, watching intently to make sure he told the audience exactly what she asked him to say and therefore enable the world press to pick up the story.

"Well, we’re home, Nashville," a jubilant Urban shrieked to the screaming crowd during the concert, before wishing them a happy Fourth of July, telling them, “We were blowing things up last night!” WTF?

There was speculation that Urban might join headliner Kenny Chesney after his set, but no, Urban left the stage once finished and joined his wife who would have fallen asleep as she has been seen doing at Urban’s previous concerts.

The two strolled hand-in-hand without a care in the world, lingering momentarily to wave to the crowds that they suddenly remembered were there before getting into a golf card and being whisked away.

Madonna & Guy Ritchie are All Loved Up at Cannes

Madonna turned up on the red carpet with an unsmiling Guy Ritchie at the premiere of her film, “I Am Because We Are”, at the 61st Annual Cannes Film Festival on Wednesday.

They looked like an awesome couple in love in every way.

Madonna clothed in Chanel was the epitome of the more is more school of thought what with the combination of her golden hair with regrowth poking through, dazzling bling, massive false eyelashes and her penchant for bucket loads of black eyeliner she gave drag a good name.

Guy Ritchie’s face was so grave one would have thought he was attending a funeral.

Nobody seemed particularly happy and clearly some sort of you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours arrangement appeared to be in place. Something along the lines of so if you turn up on my arm at Cannes for my movie, I will turn up on your arm for the RocknRolla premiere later this year.

That way we will be guaranteed a huge amount of press as well as give the impression that this cockamaney marriage is for real – you dig?

Guy dug.

OK So Touch Your Head Gently Against Mine Just Like We Rehearsed

Here are Nicole and Keith practicing the fine art of gentle head tapping. This is an ancient lovers’ technique that Nic conquered up to supposedly convey an advanced level of intimacy between the pair. It’s way superior to actually touching or god forbid kissing in public.

Or is it that Nicole can’t bear that Keith’s three day growth should graze against her soft, plumped lily white botoxed cheeks? Then again perhaps neither Nicole or in fact Keith wants to wipe off the heavy layer of makeup that they both like to wear so much.

Nicole and Keith are on the red carpet at the 43rd annual Academy of Country Awards held at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 18 in Las Vegas.

It’s in fact the first time that Nic seems to have a perfectly rounded pregnant belly to show off to the world. Her hand remained glued to the underside of her tummy either to protect the contents or in case the pillow falls out – hard to say really.